Inside the Author's Mind

Learning The Lessons Well

2011-02-15T17:38:00.002+11:00

I re-learned an old lesson today. Perhaps I needed a reminder to keep my perspective of my tiny place within the grand scheme of All There Is.

A friend was supposed to come over this afternoon for afternoon tea. I arranged my whole day around this so I'd have time to just sit and chat. She didn't arrive. She didn't even send a message to say she wasn't coming. Eventually I sent a message to her to ask if she'd forgotten. She had. We'll meet in town tomorrow instead.

I felt a little let down. This friend has a habit of forgetting me. I wasn't surprised - given her track history, but it did illustrate to me that I should not expect consideration and reliability from other people when they have repeatedly shown that they do not hold these values as being important.

Of course, I have other friends who are very considerate when they are late or can't come, and that reminds me that there are qualities about my friends and myself that I hold highly.

So why do I still persevere with this friend? Because, basically she's a nice person, and because she teaches me a lot about friendship and a lot about myself. These lessons often come with a sting, but that sting reminds me that I have a gentle, caring nature and I should be aware of how I feel when rejected or forgotten, and not become something I'm not.

What I mean is: just because my friend is inconsiderate, I am not to feel or react in the same way out of a sense of wounded ego. I do not retaliate with sharp words or do the same thing to her to "teach her a lesson". I know my friend is like this and I have accepted her as she is. Unconditional love is the lesson.

Today I learned that unconditional love is not always easy, but it brings a wonderful inner peace and acceptance along with it.

The other lesson I was reminded of today is that although I am an important part of my own day, I am not important to others. I have my place in the grand scheme of life, but I am not important to anyone but myself and those whose lives I am supposed to have an impact upon.

Sometimes friends have their minds on many other things that are important to them. This is as it should be. I am not important to everybody all the time. Nor is anyone else important to me all the time. Making time for each other and being able to get together is a blessing. It is not something to be expected and demanded. If other things have to be done during our day, then we do them in the time we are supposed to do them. Then, if there is a time we're free of other obligations, we can enjoy each others company. A blessing indeed.

I thank God and the Universe for my wonderful lessons today. I feel at peace and whole because of them.

Love and Light!

Change

2011-01-25T09:42:00.000+11:00

Change

I’ve been thinking about change lately and how I deal with it. It’s strange how “change” has become a regular part of my life.

I thought back to my childhood, to a time when I thought change was rare. I tended to believe that things would always go on the way they were. For example: each year I thought summer would last forever, that my friends would be with me forever, that we’d always live where we lived.

That didn’t happen, of course. Summer always turned to autumn, my friends moved away and we shifted to a new house on the other side of town. To a child with no control over life, any kind of change was devastating. I’d cry and grieve for months. I never wanted anything to change, and of course everything did. I couldn’t handle it at all.

I was still a bit like that as an adult. I’d cling to what was comfortable and familiar – even if it was bad. I feared change so much that I’d stay within whatever boundaries I’d set for myself. Like a man clinging to his sinking boat, I would not let go of the rail. No, I’d sit on the bottom of the ocean with the vessel that was familiar, and mourn the loss of the sunlight on the surface.

This new entity that is me, has transformed. Change flows through me and around me all the time. It has become the one constant in my life. My life is not chaotic, though. Far from it. Having embraced change, I have a new sense of inner peace. Change itself has become familiar. Dealing with it has become natural.

It’s an acceptance from within. I have learned that nothing stays the same and I have learned to embrace that fact.

Change can be a challenge, but it also brings new possibilities. All this has come from a change of perspective, a decision to look at life a different way. Instead of change being the big black monster that could take my life away, it has become the wind that stirs the imagination, the current that carries me from one learning experience to another.

Through all this I have learnt a very valuable lesson: the more things change around me, the more I am myself.

Profound Thoughts

2011-01-05T14:18:00.000+11:00

Profound Thoughts

for a Wednesday Morning

I was just thinking about the time before I was born into this lifetime and wondering what sort of conversations I had with those souls around me when I asked them to play certain roles in this coming life in order help me learn the lessons I needed to learn from physically living this life.

The veil of forgetfulness that covers our past lives and our spiritual lives does not lift just because you're aware that it is there. It is there for a good reason - so we can make the most of our physical lives and learn all that we can from each life we lead.

So...thinking back to that time before I'd finally made the decision to actually live this life physically, I wonder how I asked someone to play the role of my psychopathic adopted mother?

If you think about this for a moment in terms of actors playing a part, not just anyone can play a twisted role like that. It is highly specialized. If you want an example of great psychopathic acting, look at Heath Ledger as the Joker. Yikes!

Seriously, though, for a soul to inhabit an entire physical lifetime in which they are trapped inside a psychopathic mind - it's a big ask. It would take a very strong, very loving and giving soul to put themselves into such a position just to teach a few other souls a lesson they needed.

This puts me in awe of the role my adopted mother played in my life. I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to agree to spend almost 100 years trapped in a physical body with a demented mind. It's almost unthinkable to me. That's a huge sacrifice. A huge gift.

The lessons I learnt were unique. I know there are many people like me who grew up with one or both parents as psychopaths. You can't help but learn from that. You learn from it and grow strong, or you are broken by it. I wonder how many people are broken by it?

Now that I have released my adopted mother from the need to play the role of the psychopath to my victim role, I wonder if that is why dementia is setting in on her so swiftly? When I come to think of it, at the time of my absolute acceptance of her role and my forgiveness of her as a person, dementia began to creep in to her daily life in very noticeable ways. Is the physical energy of a lifetime of twisted thinking and constant planning of nastiness too much to bear when her time for playing that role is over?

If that is the case, then the more advanced her dementia becomes, the more of a blessing for her it will be.

Looking back on my life in this way puts a whole new perspective on it. I can't help but be humbled by the sacrifices and roles different people have played for me to reach a certain level of enlightenment in this lifetime. Yes, I know it would be a lot more complicated than that. They would also be learning lessons for themselves as well as teaching lessons to others. But just to think about something like that... Awesome!

The love these souls must have for me and others around them to agree to make such a sacrifice...! It's unfathomable, but totally awesome!

That's what my life has been so far - insignificant and ordinary, but awesome! I can't wait to see what the next phase of my life will bring. Or... as I should say: I can't wait to bring the next phase of my life into being.

Yeah! Now that's awesome!

Goodbye Rambo

2010-12-29T17:06:00.000+11:00

I said goodbye to my dear old cat friend, Rambo on December 13 at 2.45pm. He was very old physically - a good 21 years that we knew of, possibly ten more - and has slowly been declining over the last couple of weeks.

Every morning I've been expecting to find him curled up somewhere having died in his sleep. Rambo wasn't suffering, he was just old and tired. His body was wearing out. He lost a lot of weight and was just a skeleton with fur for the last few days.

So how did I know it was time to call the vet?

I knew. He told me. We didn't need words. I knew today that he was ready to leave this life. I didn't want his last moments to be a painful struggle, so I called the vet. I wish it didn't have to be so.

Rambo left this life the way he lived it - with quiet dignity, on his own terms, in his own time, with love in his heart and me by his side.

I'm sure going to miss my big purry furry tiger-eyes boy. I'm so proud to have been his friend.

I have peace in my mind and soul, but my heart is aching. I know his gentle old spirit and mine will meet again, but until then I can't help but grieve for the loss of my little friend.

2010-12-12T00:51:00.001+11:00

On the way home from the Bon Jovi concert. Bus seats uncomfortable.

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End of the Radiation

2010-11-08T12:09:00.000+11:00

These past few days have certainly shown me that I am definitely resilient.

I've finally gotten to the end of my radiation treatment. It was a bit of an anticlimax to be honest. I'd made such a positive, and at times social, occasion out of having to travel an hour each day to another town for my treatment, that in some ways I was actually sorry that I no longer needed to travel there any more.

However, the treatment has really kicked in now and my leg is in a terrible state. It is all burned from the inside out. The scars from my various cancer operations have turned into pork crackling and have actually opened up. So, with weeping, open sores, tight, swollen skin and a leg that won't work, I'm in a sorry state physically.

I certainly have plenty to complain about, or even cry about, if I felt so inclined. I'm actually a bit annoyed with myself for agreeing to have this treatment as a preventative. In the end, nobody could give me a definitive answer to the question of whether this would actually prevent more cancer or not. I decided it was probably worth a go. Now that the pain is at its worst, I'm inclined to kick my own butt over that decision.

But...

I'm not going there. I'm sitting here journaling, editing, and even getting some of my own writing done. I'm enjoying watching the transition from autumn to spring and soaking in all that wonderful, joyous, manic, spring energy. I'm counting my blessings and looking back on the past year and a half as one incredible learning experience.

I could never have foreseen that I would go through so much within a year or so, see so many wonderful new medical advances, meet so many truly wonderful and inspiring people, and learn so much about myself and others.

This experience is nearly over. I'm at the other end of the tunnel and the bright light is shining its way for me to step into. Wow! What a ride this has been. It's not something I ever want to do again, thanks very much, but I am so much more enlightened than I was before.

All I can do is thank God and the universe for all this learning and the opportunity to come out the other side - as I will - relatively unscathed.

And... I'm certain that without my experience with YOU University and Maia as a guide, I'd never have learned so much from those experiences. Life sure is a wonderful teacher, but if you don't know how to look upon all those nasty things that happen to you, and if you don't know how to see yourself grow throughout those things and know that you needed them in order to grow, then you won't ever find the true joy of being.

I have found my own joy of being. It's simple and complicated, just as I am. And, whilst at this very moment I might willingly swap a leg with you, I'd never swap lives. If I had to define one thing about my life that I've learned through all my heartache and pain, it would be that I have been lifted up high so I can look down upon my life and see its worth.

Now that's a precious gift.

Yesterday's Friends

2010-10-06T17:41:00.000+11:00

Yesterday’s Friend

Yesterday I met a friend up the street. I hadn’t seen her nor heard a word from her since October last year when I was in hospital in Melbourne having the first secondary melanoma removed from my leg.

D was as friendly as ever and as enthusiastic as ever about the venture we had started way back the year before last.

D had hired a nice sized building up the street where we were going to set up our co-operative healing and life coaching centre. We invited four others with similar businesses to go in with us to share the rent.

I did all the advertising, publishing, graphic designing of stationery, etc. We all put a lot of time and effort into our space and things were going along really well. The building was a bit run down so we all put in heaps of effort making it look the way we wanted. We painted, decorated, scrounged office equipment and whatever else we needed, all at our own expense.

Then I ended up in hospital for ten days. When I got home there was an email from D. I opened it, happy to be hearing from her at last. It read along the lines of: “...the other girls and I don’t think you’re putting enough effort into your part of the business so we’ve asked someone else to take your place...”

That was it. I was out. I tried to call her on the phone, but she never returned my calls, and didn’t answer my emails.

I felt betrayed. Sad. Alone. I was angry that I’d put so much effort, time and money into something I’d never be able to be a part of. I was angry at D and wondered if she’d had this in mind all along and had only used me to get certain things done. I was devastated that she’d used my misfortune as an opportunity to get rid of me. I thought that was really low. She could have at least waited until I had recovered, or ousted me before it happened. It seemed to me that she’d waited until I was out of town – it didn’t matter what the reason was – to kick me out.

However, I didn’t allow myself to dwell on this for too long. I was getting more involved in YOU University at the time and enjoying my lessons and the work I was doing through that, so I let the incident go. I put it down to D’s fickleness and forgave myself for being such a fool and not seeing that coming. D had a history of doing this to me, and I had a history of allowing it to happen. An old pattern of behavior I’d been trying to stamp out.

Then I ran into her yesterday. And guess what? She asked how I was going with my life coaching course and asked if I’d be interested in renting a space in their building!

I think I was speechless for a full minute or two. I told her that for the moment I was too busy. I told her that I was almost through YOU Uni and was still studying, I had just started my five weeks of radiation, and I was involved in a play for the next month in Beechworth, so I would be far too busy to think about her offer. I thanked her for thinking of me and hurried on my way.

When I thought about it later on, I didn’t know whether I should laugh or cry. Had she forgotten how she treated me? Obviously what she did had not bothered her one bit. It bothered me. It bothered me for the rest of the day. Why? After analysing the situation, I decided it was the trust issue that rankled the most. I had trusted her and she betrayed me - again.

These feelings took me back to my childhood. That feeling of building up to something I was promised, only to have my hopes dashed cruelly. It happened over and over, and built within me an inherent mistrust of all people.

It has taken me a long time to get over this instant mistrust. I thought I was over it a couple of years ago. When D came to me and outlined what she intended to do with her business, and asked me to be a part of it, I squashed my feelings of mistrust and became involved. I was really enjoying being involved. Then I had my hopes dashed by her again.

Only, something had changed within me by that time. Although I was devastated and felt sick at the way she’d dumped me, I didn’t take it all deep within myself and let it fester there as I once would have.

I grieved for the loss of my friend and for the loss of the opportunity of the building from which to start my life coaching business. I treated what I’d already given as a donation that I gave freely from my heart. I let go of the material things.

I’d just learned about Love Letters at that stage. I wrote some to D and to myself over it, and I eventually came out the other side of my sadness with a spirit of gratitude for what I’d learned from this incident.

D has always been the same. I knew that. She was like this right back in school. She is not likely to change now. I had hoped that she’d learned as much from life as I had, but clearly she either hasn’t learned her lessons deeply, or she just doesn’t care about how she treats people. Either way, that is her path. This is mine.

I continued with YOU University, and now, I’m enjoying being very close to the end of the formal part of the learning. Not that you ever stop learning from life – but I’m looking forward to new beginnings. D closed a door on me last year, but I opened another one. I walked through that door, and now I’m going in a new direction.

I was determined not to allow that experience to taint my trust of everybody else. I did not internalize those feelings or use them as a means of self-torture. Once, I would have mentally flailed myself for months over something like that.

The big lesson I learned from all that, was that I needed to be more careful of whom I trusted. I needed, and still need, to listen carefully to my inner voice about people and not blindly trust them because I’ve known them all my life. The opposite is also true. I should not blindly mistrust people just because I’ve known them for years either. Sometimes people change. Sometimes they don’t.

It’s a big effort for me, but I have to allow people to earn my trust. I have to take that leap of faith and extend the offer of trust. If it is not taken with the spirit with which it is given, then it will not be through my own past conditioning that things fall apart. But I have to be wise about where I offer that trust. D showed me that.

There is no use in kicking myself up the bum about it now. It all happened a year ago. I will not allow all the hard work I’ve done through YOU Uni to be undone because seeing D brought back all those memories. Like I said, I knew what D was like. We grew up together. I didn’t listen to my inner voice. I wanted to believe she had grown up and was a different person. I wanted to move beyond our childhood relationship and have an adult relationship.

That is the key to the whole situation: I WANTED to believe in my friend, so I closed my eyes to the truth.

Whatever her real reasons for kicking me out of her building were, they matter not. She did me a favor. She freed me so I could go on doing what I truly loved, in the way I enjoyed it, in the time frame that suited me.

Seeing D again also reminded me that Yesterday’s Friends are not Today’s Friends for a reason.

From now on, I will trust in myself first and listen to my inner wisdom.

Radiation Treatment Begins

2010-10-01T17:55:00.000+10:00

Yesterday was my fourth visit to the radiation clinic and my first real treatment. The first three visits were for measuring. The main difficulty in treating my leg is that they have to radiate right down to the bone, but somehow not shoot right through my knee. Apparently knees are sensitive and the radiation would destroy all the fine ligaments and cartilage. Hence all the careful measuring.

I laid myself down onto the slab yesterday and envisioned myself inside my crystal pyramid of power on the fifth plane of existence. I visualized that the machine hovering above me was a giant healing crystal of power. During the treatment, which is only about 6 minutes for one zap and 4 for another, I meditated. I invoked the violet light of the Masters and asked for a whole body healing.

I immediately felt sharp, almost unbearable, pain in my right kidney. I had to remain still, so I didn't move. The pain quickly went away and was replaced by a gentle tingling which faded to nothing. I knew something within me had been healed. I have IgAN which is a kidney disease that destroys the nephrons (filters) in the kidneys. I also know that my kidneys haven't been enjoying all my cancer treatments over the past year and have been suffering. (I have 40% function left in both kidneys.)

Anyway, something has been put right, or balanced within. I felt nothing around my knee area that was being treated by radiation. Later, I could feel that the inner temperature of that leg is hotter than the other one, but apart from that, no side affects so far. It's early days yet.

When the radiation was finished, I floated off that hard slab feeling refreshed, calm, totally recharged and at peace with the universe.

I'm going to use my pyramid of power and meditation each time I'm on that slab. It was such a wonderful experience, I'm actually looking forward to today's visit.

By the time the technicians finish positioning my leg and then do the radiation, I'm on that slab for about 15 minutes all up. The thought of spending 15 minutes every day meditating and connecting with the higher realms is actually quite an uplifting thought.

It sounds rather insane, I know, but I'm looking forward to five weeks of that.

Update:

Today was the same. I meditated in my pyramid during the treatment.This time the pain in my right kidney was only short and sharp before disappearing. There is obviously something there to be healed and it is being "zapped" by the violet healing of the ascended Masters while I meditate.

At the end of my treatment, I was calm, relaxed and happy.

Boundaries - Again!

2010-09-26T08:01:00.000+10:00

Boundaries again. I know I've written about them before, but I've been struggling to maintain personal boundaries I've set. I've allowed others to bully me into doing things I didn't want to do - things I knew were too much for me.

I wanted to know why I couldn't seem to maintain my boundaries, so I took a look back through my early life. I discovered that my fear of setting and keeping boundaries all stemmed from long ago when I first overstepped a friend's boundaries and was rejected on those grounds.

My feelings of hurt, fear, humiliation, rejection, devastation, shame, were all felt so keenly way back then, that I have allowed that to undermine what I've been working so hard to do right now in the present time.

I have been so conscious of not inflicting those emotions on other people, that I've allowed them to walk all over me rather than set respectful, realistic personal boundaries.

Now that I know the source of my "weakness" for want of a better term, I can now face it and deal with it.

To deal with this problem, I've used the Love Letter, which has become a favorite tool of mine. Below is the letter I wrote to myself:

Boundaries Love Letter To Me

Dear Self;

I'm angry with you because I discovered that you were holding on to old beliefs that were sabotaging your ability to set realistic boundaries for yourself and keep those boundaries.

You were allowing old hurts and wounds to make you feel bad about setting boundaries.

This makes me sad. It is great that you don't want to hurt other people's feelings, but you are also worthy of not being hurt.

I am afraid that you are going to allow people to bully you into letting them break down your barriers and step over your personal boundaries.

I am afraid that you will allow your own fear of hurting others to enable them to hurt you.

I am sorry that, in the past, you felt so bad about stepping over someone else's boundaries that you have been afraid to set your own and keep them up right now in the present time.

I want you to know that you are worthy of setting boundaries of your own. I want you to set those boundaries and not feel guilty if you have to enforce them.

I understand your great love and compassion for others, but you must also have great, if not greater, compassion for yourself. You need these boundaries and you need to show others that you will not be forced into letting them walk all over you.

Thank you for listening to me. You are learning to listen to me, your inner self, so much more these days. Thank you for trusting in me to guide you.

I understand how hard it is for you to enforce your own personal boundaries. I see you struggle every day with your conscience about this.

I am sorry that your experiences in your childhood have left you feeling as though you are not strong enough and confident enough to keep enforcing your boundaries, but I know that you are strong enough to do this.

You deserve respect from other people, and you deserve respect from yourself. You are worthy of setting boundaries and you should set them and keep them.

I want you to know that you can trust yourself with the setting of these personal boundaries. I know that you are always considerate of others' needs as well as your own. You need not fear that in the setting of your own boundaries that you are stepping upon anyone else's. You know that you will never do this. I will not allow it.

I love your compassionate nature, and I love how you always consider others in everything you do. Most of all, I love your new love of me. I will always be with you to help and guide you. And I will always love you.

Love Self.

Now that I've written that letter to myself and I've read it over a few times to reinforce it in my mind, I feel much more confident and able to deal with people who want to push me around.

Takes One to Know One

2010-08-27T13:46:00.000+10:00

I can spot a victim a mile away.

I see them everywhere and meet them almost every day. To the untrained eye, a victim looks just like everybody else. So what is it that gives them away? The expression on their faces? Their downcast visage? Yes, those things do count, but to really tell a victim from a non-victim, you only have to talk to them. They'll give themselves away in the first five minutes.

How did I become so good at spotting these people?

I used to be one of them. Not just one of them - the Queen of all Victims. Damn I was good! Even when nobody else was around to victimize me, I could do a great number on myself. I'd put my 'poor little me' mask on as I got out of bed in the morning and leave it on until I went to bed at night. And I never could see why people were always mean to me, why they used and abused me, set me up mercilessly, etc. I just couldn't see it.

I was a nice, gentle, well-meaning and kind person. But I was a victim. It was in my demeanor. It was in my conversations. I might as well have had it tattooed across my forehead.

I felt like my life was never my own. Nothing I did ever worked out. Other people always got the jobs I went for. I was never chosen to do anything, be anything, or go anywhere. People were always pushing me around and telling me what to do. I felt powerless and ineffectual.

So what changed?

I did.

I changed. I discovered a new way of looking at the world. I opened my eyes to what my life was really like and I didn't like what I saw. I didn't like the person I had become. I wanted to be me. I wanted to take charge of my life and live it the way I desired.

No longer was I content to live in the shadows. I wanted to step right out into the sunlight, to spread my wings and fly. And that's exactly what I did!

How did I do this?

Well, it wasn't easy. I had to get real. By that I mean really real. I had to face myself and be honest about who and what I was. I had to be totally honest about all the things in my past and learn to look at them openly and with a different point of view.

Help wasn't something I'd ever reached out for, but in this case, I did reach out. And my hand was grasped firmly by Maia Berens, my mentor and coach. I'd never had anyone come to my rescue before, and suddenly I had a fairy godmother who was willing to stand beside me and show me how to find myself and get my life back in order.

All those years, I thought I knew myself fairly well, but Maia started to ask me questions I couldn't answer unless I took a fresh look. I had to learn to look back at my life with a spirit of forgiveness, love and willingness to see things as they really were. No excuses.

Do you think that's easy? Try it. Go on, I dare you.

It wasn't easy at all. There were many tears along the way, many stumbles and falls, many times I wanted to hide from myself. Maia encouraged me to stick with it, and I did.

I learned to view life with a Life is a School attitude and a renewed love for myself and strong respect for my life. I started to take charge of my life and make choices. Not only that, but I started to direct my life, change directions, and even begin a new career as a Spiritual Life Coach.

The self-confident person you meet today is far from the downcast victim of yesterday. I learned how to turn my whole life around and really live.

I love my life now. I love making choices and exploring my limitless options. It's a wonderful way to be.

You know something... You can do the same thing I did. You can learn to stop seeing everything that happens in your life as a disaster and start learning from your mistakes. You can start finding the blessings in everything that happens in your daily life. You can take charge of your life and become who you were always meant to be.

If you're interested, and you want to follow my story, I journal at: All About Life Coaching. You can begin a journal there too if you like. It's a great first step towards the new you. Our journal community is an honest, caring place where many of us share our darkest fears and ask for advice from others who have been through similar circumstances. And, guess what? It's completely free.

It's a great place to take that first all-important step on the road to becoming who you really are.

See you there!

Last Morning

2010-08-16T06:46:00.001+10:00

6am & I'm awake. This is my last morning here. I'm looking forward to being back home. It has been interesting, as always, but I'm done with it. No more cancer, no more operations. Of course, I still have the radiation to get through. Another interesting experience. Once only will do. Roll on morning. I want to get out of here.

Re: Little Luxuries

2010-08-15T10:52:00.000+10:00

Can't get the cappuccino but I can say hi and thanks so much for keeping us posted. We're keeping your (virtual) chair warm.
Love,
Maia

On Sat, Aug 14, 2010 at 5:30 PM, <glen3677@bigpond.net.au> wrote:

Oh how wonderful it is to be able to stand up straight, to have a real shower, to wash my hair, to put real clothes on. I feel so good sitting here all dressed. I feel like I have regained some of my humanity. All I need now is a visitor I can con into going down to get a cappuccino for me...

Little Luxuries

2010-08-15T10:30:00.001+10:00

Oh how wonderful it is to be able to stand up straight, to have a real shower, to wash my hair, to put real clothes on. I feel so good sitting here all dressed. I feel like I have regained some of my humanity. All I need now is a visitor I can con into going down to get a cappuccino for me...

Waiting

2010-08-15T09:15:00.000+10:00

Most of what I've been doing in hospital has been waiting. Waiting for appointments, for tests, results, doctors, to be fed, for a turn in the bathroom, to go home. Waiting. I'm not sure if I've become more used to waiting around or less tolerant of the whole system. Probably both. We have ten of us all using the one toilet & shower. Says a lot about our hospital system.

Saturday

2010-08-14T19:34:00.001+10:00

Long day without visitors. I managed to keep amused & did some nice drawings for the exhibition. Getting the drainage tube pulled out of my leg was... Ick! I can't even describe how it felt. Thanks for the experience, but let's not have a repeat performance. Everyone I know who has gone through it laughed when I told them my tube was coming out today. Yeah. Thanks guys. Real hilarious. Now I'm watching cartoons on tv & chuckling away to myself. The hospital is winding down & slipping into evening mode.

Early Morning

2010-08-14T05:56:00.001+10:00

This is a very different hospital experience from my last 2 visits. There's an elderly man & I in a small old room. He has the curtain across most of the time so I don't see him often. He's polite but not talkative. I'm being looked after but left alone most of the time. My leg is sore today. Nothing out of the ordinary, but all the other surgeries left my leg numb. Numb is good. I'm waiting for breakfast. I hope I get some today. The food service has been really slack. Now for my positive thoughts for the day... I love the pretty lights outside. One building has a set of vertical lights that cycle through all the colors of the rainbow. I love watching them. I love watching the sky during the day too. My gratitude list: to be alive & well, my 2 sons & their girlfriends who've been visiting me, for the dvds & tv for my entertainment, for all the good wishes & prayers from everyone. My life is truly blessed.

Friday 13th

2010-08-13T19:52:00.001+10:00

Not a good start to the day. I got caught up in my drainage line & almost pulled it out. It's a bit sore now. They forgot my breakfast, but I had some lovely choc cake hidden away & I ate that instead. I manage to keep myself amused watching movies & drawing pictures. If all continues to go well, I will be home on Monday. My wound is a bit sore today, but not bad enough for pain killers. I have an impressive number of stitches. I expect it all to heal very well & quickly.

Night Two

2010-08-12T22:57:00.000+10:00

The bed is uncomfortable. What a surprise. I don't have any pain, but moving around is difficult with the leg brace, the canula in the back of my hand & the drainage drip hanging from my thigh. I have tubes everywhere & I'm constantly trying not to tangle or catch on things. The bed is all unmade & askew. This is not a good place if you plan to sleep.

Re: In the Land of the Living

2010-08-12T10:54:00.001+10:00

This is so great to know. thank you for letting us know that Heather is still Heather even with scars but alive, emailing and no pain. Fabulous.
Love,
maia

On Wed, Aug 11, 2010 at 5:46 PM, <glen3677@bigpond.net.au> wrote:

My operation went well after a very long day of waiting. I was brought to the ward at about 9pm. I didn't recover as well as last time, but I feel like my old self this morning after breakfast & sponge bath. I have a big U shaped line of stitches on my thigh. It looks ok & there's no pain.

Re: In the Land of the Living

2010-08-12T10:48:00.001+10:00

Oh, Mate, I'm so glad to hear from you and to hear you are your old self!!!! You have been in my heart all day.

--- On Wed, 8/11/10, glen3677@bigpond.net.au <glen3677@bigpond.net.au> wrote:

From: glen3677@bigpond.net.au <glen3677@bigpond.net.au>
Subject: In the Land of the Living
To: "Adrienne Johnson" <lifecoachaj@gmail.com>, "Crystal Church" <crystalchurch1@gmail.com>, "Maia Berens" <maiaberens@gmail.com>, "Savina Cavallo" <savinacavallo@yahoo.com>, "Facebook" <brief158naples@m.facebook.com>, "Maia Berens" <maiaberens@gmail.com>, "Mobile Blogger Author's Mind" <brittanykingston.tiger@blogger.com>, "My Coaching Blog" <light2lifecoach.spiritual@blogger.com>
Date: Wednesday, August 11, 2010, 8:46 PM

My operation went well after a very long day of waiting. I was brought to the ward at about 9pm. I didn't recover as well as last time, but I feel like my old self this morning after breakfast & sponge bath. I have a big U shaped line of stitches on my thigh. It looks ok & there's no pain.

In the Land of the Living

2010-08-12T10:46:00.001+10:00

My operation went well after a very long day of waiting. I was brought to the ward at about 9pm. I didn't recover as well as last time, but I feel like my old self this morning after breakfast & sponge bath. I have a big U shaped line of stitches on my thigh. It looks ok & there's no pain.

Re: Arrival

2010-08-11T12:18:00.001+10:00

I feel close to you Heather. I so much appreciate you sending us this message. God is with you and our love too!!

--- On Tue, 8/10/10, glen3677@bigpond.net.au <glen3677@bigpond.net.au> wrote:

From: glen3677@bigpond.net.au <glen3677@bigpond.net.au>
Subject: Arrival
To: "Adrienne Johnson" <lifecoachaj@gmail.com>, "Crystal Church" <crystalchurch1@gmail.com>, "Maia Berens" <maiaberens@gmail.com>, "Savina Cavallo" <savinacavallo@yahoo.com>, "Facebook" <brief158naples@m.facebook.com>, "My Blog" <brittanykingston.tiger@blogger.com>, "My Coaching Blog" <light2lifecoach.spiritual@blogger.com>
Date: Tuesday, August 10, 2010, 10:15 PM

I'm at the Alfred Centre. Going up to the 2nd floor where I will be tagged and admitted. Then the waiting begins.

Arrival

2010-08-11T12:15:00.001+10:00

I'm at the Alfred Centre. Going up to the 2nd floor where I will be tagged and admitted. Then the waiting begins.

Back Again

2010-08-07T19:53:00.001+10:00

Two months after my operation I can at last walk up & down steps. Unfortunately my skin graft died & I now have to go back for another operation. What a bummer.

The Ritual Burning

2010-07-02T14:07:00.002+10:00

The Ritual Burning

I took my many little pieces of paper on which I'd written fear and then ripped them to shreds. I put those pieces in the fire and let those fears all go up in smoke. They're gone. Unbound.

Like smoke on the wind - transparent and ethereal, insubstantial, inconsequential. I banish fear and negativity. I have no need of them any more.

If I feel a fear prickling at my mind, I take a deep breath and blow it away.

Now I am free. Free from the restraints of fear. Free from the fear of fear. Free from negative thoughts where fear might take root and sprout.

I like this feeling of wholeness, wellness, of confidence. I want to dwell here in this land where all things are possible - where thoughts and ideas manifest and are spun into reality.

Here, I have wings. Here, my plans come to fruition. Here, I can enjoy success. I can prosper. I can grow.

Here, in this land of sunshine and positivity, there are no corners where fear might hide. Fear might knock on the door, or scratch at the window, but it can't enter. Like an uninvited vampire, it cannot go where it is not first invited. Fear will find no invitation at my door this day. Nor any other day.

Up in smoke.

Gone.

Unbound.

The Ritual Burning

2010-07-02T14:06:00.000+10:00

The Ritual Burning

I took my many little pieces of paper on which I'd written fear and then ripped them to shreds. I put those pieces in the fire and let those fears all go up in smoke. They're gone. Unbound.

Like smoke on the wind - transparent and ethereal, insubstantial, inconsequential. I banish fear and negativity. I have no need of them any more.

If I feel a fear prickling at my mind, I take a deep breath and blow it away.

Now I am free. Free from the restraints of fear. Free from the fear of fear. Free from negative thoughts where fear might take root and sprout.

I like this feeling of wholeness, wellness, of confidence. I want to dwell here in this land where all things are possible - where thoughts and ideas manifest and are spun into reality.

Here, I have wings. Here, my plans come to fruition. Here, I can enjoy success. I can prosper. I can grow.

Up in smoke.

Gone.

Unbound.

Missing Hospital Blogs

2010-06-26T10:45:00.000+10:00

I am most disappointed to find that none of the mobile blogs I sent from hospital have appeared here. Luckily I have them on my mobile phone so I'll post them now in the order I sent them.

June 11, 8.07am

I'm at the Ambulance Station, ready to go.

June 11, 11.37am

Going Up

I'm at the Alfred Centre about to go up to the 2nd floor where I will check in. It's all waiting from then on.

June 12, 10.04am

The Other Side

Here I am on the other side of the operation. All went well, I think. I have to wait for the pathology results.

My leg is in a full length soft brace so I can't tell how big the hole is. The doctor this morning said the melanoma was very deep. I'll have to wait for the full report.

I'm a bit tired, and my eyes seem to jerk around courtesy of the anesthetic, but otherwise, I'm not feeling too bad.

I'd kill for a cappuccino!

June 12, 2.21pm

Feeling Better

This afternoon, I'm feeling a bit better. I've been allowed up on crutches to go to the toilet. Yay! No more bed pans.

The skin graft donor site is still bleeding a bit, but so far so good. At least my vision has settled back to normal.

June 13, 7.28am

Day Two

Blimey! If you thought I had strange dreams at home, you should see these hospital induced ones!

Day Two - Sunday. I look like I should be shoved under a shower and given a good scrub. How I wish I could do that. A nice hot shower and a nice coffee - the stuff dreams are made of. Dreams. Let's not go there.

I'm waiting for breakfast, feeling kind of over the whole hospital thing. Last time it took about four days to get to this point. Thank goodness for television and all the puzzle books I bought along. It doesn't take much to amuse me. I'm happy drawing pictures and doing crosswords. And, there's always interesting people to talk to. That's by far the best thing about being in here. The people.

OK, I'd better go bang my cup against the rails so they'll feed me. Nah... just joking... kind of...

June 15, 11.21am

Pain

Had one of my dressings changed. Jeez! Can't wait till they take the lot off tomorrow. Can't wait till the staples come out of the main operation site. I can still feel it from last time. That's the worst thing about having gone through this before. I know what's coming.

I should get the pathology results tomorrow. Then I should know if I'll be going home on Thursday.

June 15, 10.54pm

I Want

I want, I want, I want. I want to be told in the morning that they got all the cancer. I want to be told I can go home Thursday. I want it to not hurt when they take my dressings off even though I know it will. It's even worse when you know what to expect. I know I must get through it, and I know I will endure it. But right now, I wish I didn't have to.

It's late. I'm tired. I want to go home. I want to be me and not be a patient any more.

June 16, 2.04pm

Staples and Dressings

The dressing was taken off the main op site. That is one big, nasty hole. I can see right down to the muscle. Interesting. The graft has taken and all looks to be healing very well. Most of the staples were taken out. It was as bad as I'd imagined - thankfully. It hardly hurt at all.

The donor site is now not to be disturbed for 10 days. They will let it heal before disturbing it. Whew! That suits me.

I still have to wear the leg brace, but I won't be going home tomorrow. I'll be going home Friday instead in an ambulance.

June 18, 10.29am

On My Couch

The trip home yesterday was uneventful and pleasant. It felt so good to be out of hospital. I'm now sitting on my couch at home looking out across the paddocks. It's so nice to be home.

June 23, 9.54pm

Home Again

Had my first check up back in Melbourne today. I had to go down and back via ambulance because I still can't bend my leg enough to sit in a car.

I was delighted to see two of my ward-mates also having their check ups. It was nice to see them again and say a final goodbye. We looked different all made up and dressed. So unlike our alter egos of a week ago. Such beautiful spirits those ladies had. It was a privilege to have gotten to know them.

June 26, 10.37am

Chilling Out

I was hoping to have the leg brace off, but because the skin graft is sitting on top of the muscle, it moves every time the muscle moves. I can't risk tearing the graft, so my leg is still in the brace for a few more weeks until the graft strengthens.

I had a phone call yesterday from the Alfred Hosp. They've decided that because this was my second secondary melanoma from the same original site of 11 years ago, I'm going to have radiation treatment on that leg.

At least I can have that done in Albury, which is only 45mins away, instead of Melbourne which is 3 1/2 hours away.

There's no schedule for the treatment yet. The wound has to be healed completely first.

So it seems that my journey is not quite over yet. I feel it will be. The radiation feels like it will be the completion.

In some way, I've come full circle. I have learned all I needed to learn from this and will carry the blessings and knowledge with me for ever.

Ready to go

2010-06-10T10:57:00.001+10:00

Well, it seems that all is set up & ready to go. I'm ready too. My bag is packed and most things around here have been done. I'm not looking forward to the whole experience, but I'm looking forward to having it over and done with. Cheers, Heather

Just testing

2010-06-10T10:19:00.001+10:00

Hi. I am testing my mobile phone to see if I can update my blog via email. If this works, I can keep you all updated with what is happening while I'm in hospital.

Winter Has Arrived

2010-06-06T09:35:00.001+10:00

Well, there's no denying that winter has finally arrived and the temperatures have dropped dramatically.

No more t-shirts and tank tops. Now, it's jumpers and long sleeved shirts, coats, gloves...

One thing I do love about winter, though, is its energy.

Winter energy is crisp and sharp. It has a vibrancy about it. Auras of trees and earthy entities are strong and clear in the winter air. It is easy for me to see the rivers of energy running through Glenloth when I look out over the stark, white, frosty paddocks.

There's a shift in color here too. The muted moods of autumn have given way to bright contrasts. The sun is brighter, the shadows deeper. Bejewelled spider webs adorn rusty barbed wire fences and bare tree branches. Life force, seeming to slow and mellow in autumn, far from sleeps in winter. It flashes its brilliance wherever you look. A bright bird here or there, sparks of light over the water, rainbows within dew drops and icicles, pretty, sparkling frost. It all seems so alive.

I can't help but be caught up in the wonder of it all.

Melanoma Files

2009-10-05T11:20:00.001+11:00

I should start a new blog: The Melanoma Files

Oh dear, I'm afraid someone flicked the silly switch on this morning. I can see the ridiculous side of everything today. I'll try to be serious...!

For the first time since this melanoma made itself known as a lump in my leg, it turned nasty on me. Last night it burned. It was a very strange feeling - a burning from within. Not a nice experience to be sure. Maybe in some way the lump sensed that I'm plotting to have it removed.

I view this cancer as being a natural part of my own body that has gotten out of control. To keep it from growing I've been surrounding it with a ball of golden, loving energy.

You might think that's a bit odd, but let's think about the words we use when we deal with illness.

We "battle" a cold. We "fight" cancer. We "endure", "go ten rounds with", "have a bout of", "bravely soldiering on"...

Getting the picture?

How often have you heard someone telling you that someone they know is "fighting cancer"? Or, having sadly lost someone to cancer they say: "He fought a hard battle right to the end."

If cancer is merely a bunch of your own cells that have grown out of proportion, then "fighting" it means you are fighting yourself. That's a "battle" that's going to turn ugly. I can't even win an argument with myself. Believe me, I've tried. If I lose, I lose; if I win, I still lose.... hmmmm. I'd rather reason with myself any day. At least there's a possibility that I might reach a solution.

My reality is that I've been living with melanomas for over 10 years.

Yes, LIVING with.

When it comes to illness, adversity and other things that frighten us, we suddenly go into battle mode. We want to strike down everything and everyone standing in our way - including ourselves. And, we've come to expect the same from others. We think they should fight. They owe it to us.

But, why don't we say: "He's living with cancer", or "He lived right up until the end"?

I'm sad that some people see that accepting my melanomas and living with them, is in some way a defeat. They think I've given up because I'm not beating my chest and grasping the sword by the hilt. [I've tried sword fighting. A medieval sword maiden I definitely am not. Not in this century, anyway.]

I'm also living with diabetes and a kidney disease [IgAN] that will cause me to be on dialysis some time in the future.

LIVING WITH

Whichever way my body chooses to function, it is still my body and I'll do whatever I can to look after it and keep it healthy. I'm LIVING with it.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to step into a newer model - one with a little less time on the clock; a firmer, fitter, more updated model. But then, running-in a new model always has its problems too.

Let's face it, I'm stuck with this body. I might as well LIVE with it. I've gotten used to it. It has its quirks, but it still goes - and there's still a few more miles in it yet.

Sorry. Silly switch is still on.

Where was I...? Oh yes LIVING!

Live each day as though it is your last.

I understand that sentiment, but... No way!

I'm living each day as though it is my first.

I'm living to plan, planning to live, intending to live right up until the end - whenever that may be.

"Them thar be fightin' words!"

No. They're living words. Words full of the exuberance of life. Words of love, power, energy, light... words to LIVE by.

Cheers!

2009-08-02T09:37:00.002+10:00

50th

BIRTHDAY

WRITING

COMPETITION

Yes, it's true! In August I'll be celebrating reaching that wonderful milestone of turning 50 years old.

And I don't mind one bit. Fifty is a glorious age. It's a writing age, an age of experience and enthusiasm... and I don't feel a day over 20 [and I don't act it, either - so I've been told]!

To celebrate my "coming of age" I'm going to be running a month-long competition for writers.

I'm offering:

one free professional edit

of a short story, novelette, novella or novel

of any fiction genre!

As many of you know, I've been editing for Eternal Press for more than three years now, and I've recently joined the staff of Damnation Books as an editor as well. Before that, I've had many years of experience in editing short stories, newsletters, newspapers, etc.

If you want to check out my latest editing credits, click on my Editing Credits page and scroll through the wonderful titles I've been privileged to have edited over the past few years.

So, writers, get to it!

The competition starts NOW

from August 1 until August 31, 2009.

There will be one winner only. The winning author's name will be drawn out of a hat, totally at random, and announced during the first week of September.

Prize: One Professional Edit.

This edit is designed to help you polish your manuscript up to submission standard to present to a publisher if you're on your last draft, or to help you with the process of writing your story if you're on your first draft.

Please note: this is not a guarantee that a publisher will accept your manuscript.

Publishers will assign you an editor of their own if they accept your work for publication.

I am offering this edit in good spirit. It is totally up to you whether you wish to accept my suggestions or not.

Submission Guidelines

Please send your submission to: brittanykingstonauthor@gmail.com

Word documents only.

Place your name and email at the top of the title page.

Manuscripts formatted in Times or similar font, 12 point, 1.5 line spacing.

Fiction genres only.

No late entries will be accepted.

Winner chosen totally at random.

So there you have it, authors... have fun.

Yours in love and light

Brittany Kingston

Masters of Horror

2009-07-04T07:58:00.001+10:00

Blogging today at: Masters of Horror

See you there!

Cheers

Brittany K.

The Paintings Are Up

2009-06-18T22:13:00.001+10:00

All is ready for the Phoenix Art Exhibition.

Today we hung all our paintings up. It took from 11.30am until 7pm, but it's all done and looks fantastic. All we need now is people through the doors.

I have 24 paintings in this exhibit. Most are ink on canvas. A few are acrylic. All are fire elemental energy paintings.

I hope people buy some. All the money from sales is going to the bushfire appeal. It would be good to have a substantial amount to donate.

Over this next week I won't have much time for anything other than the exhibition. I have to be there at the door every day until it closes.

I'll take my laptop I guess. That way, when there are quiet times, I'll have a chance to get a little work done. Probably some editing.

It's late now. I have a load of washing to put in the dryer for tomorrow.

Cheers for now.

Conversation with my Adopted Mother

2009-06-14T10:19:00.004+10:00

As part of an exercise in Life Coaching, we had an assignment to write a conversation we'd like to have with someone who has/had/ influence over our lives. I took this opportunity to say all the things I wish I really could say to my adopted mother. For reasons which will become clear to you if you read it, this conversation will never take place.

This was not an easy conversation to write, and I understand that for many people, it won't be easy to read. But it is what it is, and through actually writing it down, through acknowledging that this was my reality, I feel somewhat liberated.

So... for what it's worth, here's my conversation:

Conversation with my Adopted Mother

I know who you are. I know what you are.

You are a damaged soul. You have a personality disorder. You are a Sadistic Narcissistic Psychopath.

Nature selected you to never be able to have a baby of your own. Unfortunately, there are ways around that, and you were handed an innocent, helpless child. You were given me.

Because of you I grew up knowing only darkness, isolation, fear.

You are not an educated or intelligent human being, but you are extremely cunning.

For the first six years of my life, I was fostered, therefore you could not do whatever you liked because authorities were randomly looking over your shoulder. However, once the adoption went through, everything changed.

I remember that day. I remember the look in your eyes. I didn’t understand it at the time. I didn’t recognise your expression. Now I know what it was. It was a look of pure hate. That’s something I’ve never actually seen on anyone else. Real hate is not a common emotion. People use the word a lot, but the real thing, when it creeps onto a person’s face, is utterly terrifying. I can’t even explain the feeling I had back then – and I was only 6 or 7.

From that moment on, I hid. I hid my personality. I hid my talents. I hid my emotions. I hid myself. It was my only defence against your tyranny.

You were relentless in your emotional and mental torture.

You stole my innocence. You stole my faith in humanity. You stole my life.

One day when you were tired of dragging me along with you while you shopped, when you thought nobody was looking, you threw me out in front of a bus. If it were not for the quick reflexes of another lady who grabbed my arm and yanked me back to safety, I would be dead. You grabbed me from her and belted me with your handbag and screamed to everyone that I had been very naughty and ran out on the street. Everyone sympathised with you. You poor thing. You’d had such a shock. What a dreadful child. I was not even game enough to cry. But I remember. This was the first of many such incidents when I was still small. I remember them all. The lesson was well learnt.

For years I led a double life. I’d go to school and be a “normal” happy child who enjoyed playing with my friends and enjoyed life. When I came home, I retreated into darkness, quietness, I hid. I did everything I could to be invisible to everyone. I tried to stay out of trouble. I tried in the only way I knew how, to survive.

And still I loved you. You were my mother. You were doing this for my own good. After all, that’s what you kept telling me. I was adopted. I was bad. You had to straighten me out. I should be grateful. If I wasn’t, I would be “sent back”.

As I grew older, and you felt that your control over me was weakening, your cruelty accelerated. You grew more and more manic. Your outright cruelty to me had no boundaries. Nobody knew. You appeared so nice to everyone else. You had me so terrified that I never spoke out. I told no-one. I knew my life would be over if I did. Even Dad was under your control. To keep the peace, he became your enabler. He delivered victims to you for slaughter, and how you loved tearing them down. I watched it all. I learnt. I remembered.

Still, I loved you. Your hatred of me was soul-destroying, but I loved you. You were my mother.

I’m sad to admit that my love for you faded over time. I educated myself about people like you. I eventually freed myself of your influence.

This was hard. Harder than anyone can imagine. I still have to struggle against the conditioning you put into place. I still have to remind myself that you have no influence over me anymore. I still have to be aware of how diabolical you can be.

I want you to know that despite all that you did physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychically, I survived. I found myself. I am going to become the person I was meant to be.

I know that telling you these things to your face would never work. You hear only what you want to hear. Even now, you yell and scream over the top of anything I might have to say. You still will not relinquish your quest to destroy me totally. I don’t understand why, but I accept that you are who you are. There is no changing that.

Now that you are old and infirm, you see your only way of controlling me is through your money. You have made your Will to exclude me – your only child – and your two grandsons who also have recognised what you are and have nothing to do with you. You might think I have poisoned their minds against you, but I never did that. I allowed you to be their grandmother while being very careful not to let you do to them what you did to me. My sons are intelligent. They made their own minds up about you. I have never forced them to visit you. I understand that they do not want any contact with you – as sad as that may seem to outsiders.

I do not want anything from you. I’m not after your money or any of your possessions. When you die, I don’t care what you do with your estate. There is nothing in me that cares about such things.

As for you... I will not abandon you completely. Even though I have very little contact, I will not let you suffer alone in your old age. I refuse to look after you myself. I will not get that close to you. You are still a danger to me.

However, I will make sure you are well taken care of. I refuse to allow myself to be hardened or made to sink to your level of cutting people off whom you don’t like. I would like nothing more than to have no more contact with you, but I will not do that. I will make sure you are alright.

I will not be like you. I can never be. I am a free spirit. A kind spirit. I am an ancient spirit. I am a survivor. I have survived you.

It has been necessary for my sanity and spiritual health that I remove all influence you have over me. I have done that. Now I am safe to have some contact with you without fear that you will upset me in any way or be able to have any influence with your soul-destroying ways. Now, anything you say, do, or mean to do, has no affect. Your nasty thoughts, words and deeds mean nothing. You mean nothing to me. I find it sad that it has to be this way, but for my own safety, this is the way it is.

It is very sad that you will never get to know me as a person. We will never have a mother-daughter relationship, or even a friendship. I know that you are not capable of such things. Your personality disorder prevents you from thinking as a normal human thinks and feeling as a normal human feels. That is sad for you.

My life with you has given me experience in matters most people will never know – thank God. Thanks to you, I have an inner strength and sense of self that cannot be extinguished. I know that no matter what happens to me, no matter how cruel people can be, they will never have more than a passing influence over my being. My light cannot be dimmed.

As hard as it is for me to acknowledge your part in that, I thank you for forcing me to be strong, for forcing me to find myself and be able to rely on myself to get me through anything.

I am me, because of what you are.

Plays, Stones, Lattes & Science Fiction

2009-06-08T09:43:00.002+10:00

It's not getting any less busy around here. In fact, I think it might even be busier than before.

How does that work? I thought things would settle down and be a bit less manic after the True Blue Aussie Review play finished. But no... there's still a steady string of visitors coming and going, and there's still a heap more paintings to do for my Phoenix art exhibition. Quieter after the play? More time for writing?

Not so.

These days the only writing time I'm getting is when I go down to the Idyl Book Cafe to do my Gypsy Stone Readings. Between readings I set up my laptop and put in a little quality writing time. What can be better than that? Sipping lattes and writing science fiction. Not bad at all.

It is only one day per week, but that is one whole day per week of writing. That's more than I can manage at home at the moment. Stolen time's the best, isn't it? It's almost a guilty pleasure. An indulgence. All the sweeter for the taking.

[Insert maniacal laughter here]

Oh, that's right. Full moon tonight. I might have known. It brings out the worst in me... or perhaps the best. Who knows?

Catch up soon.

Brittany K.

My Feet Haven't Hit The Ground

2009-05-28T07:07:00.005+10:00

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged here! I've been so busy the time has flown by like leaves in the wind. Seasons have come and gone and now there's frost on the ground outside.

I've been busy with my editing and my own writing. Shadow Runners edits are still coming along nicely. Mark of the Condemned is progressing well, and I've even started Legacy of the Gildan.

Today I do my Gypsy Stone Readings at Idyl Book Cafe. Then it's home to feed the cattle and get ready for play rehearsals at the Beechworth Memorial Hall.

The show was fantastic last night. The Yackandandah senior citizens really enjoyed it. It makes such a difference to us too, to have an appreciative audience.

I'll have to get myself organised today so I can get everything done. It has been such a busy couple of weeks, my feet have hardly hit the ground.

Between readings today I'll do some editing. Usually I take the opportunity to get some of my own writing done during the quiet times, but I have another assignment, so it will be an ideal time to get as much of that done as I can.

After the play I'll have to really get moving on my art for the Phoenix Exhibition. I still need another four large paintings. That exhibition opens on June 20 and all proceeds will go the Victorian bushfire appeal. There's only two of us involved in this one and it has been fun doing all the fire energy paintings. They're turning out really well. They're very vibrant and really different. I'll post some pictures when they're all done.

It's time for me to get a move on now or I'll be late for my first reading. I'll catch up with you all when I finally have time to sit and relax for a moment or two.

Cheers

Brittany K.

Feburary Flop

2009-02-15T11:19:00.001+11:00

Fires, Fiery Temperatures & No Writing

February has been a disastrous month all round this year.

I suppose I could look at it this way: at least we got as far as February before the State of Victoria went up in flames. We’re usually on fire by late December to early January. We almost made it into autumn without losing anybody.

It has been a month of unspeakable tragedy. So many homes lost. So many lives lost. There are no words to describe it. There are a lot of people and animals wandering around homeless, orphaned, alone, numb.

While all this was happening down here, up north they’re all under water. And I do mean UNDER water. Those poor people have been flooded out.

That’s Australia, I suppose. How did that poem go? “…a land of droughts and flooding rains”. Yes. Definitely.

The other reason not much writing was done around here over the past couple of months is, of course, the searing temperatures.

Everyone who knows me, knows that I love a good hot summer. 40 degrees Celsius with a clear dry heat is what I thrive in. But 52 degrees? Unheard of. It was way too hot to sit in here in my office and do any kind of computer work.

It isn’t only my writing that suffered. I also have to work flat out over the next three or four days on the farm accounts to get my GST lodged before I get into trouble with the Taxation Department.

Okay. So the heat has passed. I’m having trouble adjusting to the mere 30 degree days now. I find them a tad on the cool side. Can’t wait to see what winter brings. I think I’ll go into hibernation for that.

With the heat gone, so is the procrastination. It’s back to work for me. Accounts, writing, blogging, editing… all of that. Not that I consider writing to be hard work. I enjoy it so much that I find it relaxing. I like to lose myself in a good novel. Actually, I have two on the go. Four if you count book 3 of The Andaman Saga.

Somewhere in this computer’s memory are: Wild Heart – a paranormal romance; The Shadow Runners – science fiction novel almost at sending away stage, book 1 of The Andaman Saga; Mark of the Condemned – book 2 of The Andaman Saga; Legacy of the Gildan – book 3 of The Andaman Saga; Shards of Life – a Gypsy romance/slice of life novel almost at the editing stage… and I can’t wait to get my fingers to the keyboard to get on with all of them.

So, if you’re looking for me… look no further. I’m here with my fingers flying over the keyboard and my mind firmly planted in that other world of all things writerly.

But for now… Ugh! Accounts.

Cheers

Brittany Kingston

2009-02-12T21:55:00.001+11:00

Please sign my petition against racial abuse at: http://ping.fm/fkcoM

2009-02-11T18:56:00.001+11:00

181 dead so far in the bushfires. More than 80 people still not accounted for.

2009-01-29T20:13:00.001+11:00

A man threw his 4yo daughter off the Westgate Bridge in Melb. this morn. His 2 other kids were in the car watching.

2009-01-26T14:09:00.000+11:00

HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY

Competition Winner

2009-01-25T10:01:00.000+11:00

WINNER!

New Year

Competition

I've been so busy with my editing and updating this site that I forgot to post the winner of my New Year Competition!

Congratulations

DEB.B.C.

I hope you're enjoying your reading package.

Huge thank you to all who entered both online and off. Your answers were so good I was tempted to use some of them. Thanks also Judy B. and Kelly W. I'm not sure a Drinn would actually say such things, but you both gave me a good laugh. And, finally, Darren - pity "The Shadow Runners" isn't going to have a triple XXX rating!

Thanks once again. I hope you all enjoyed entering the competition as much as I enjoyed reading your answers.

Yours in love and light

Brittany Kingston

2009-01-25T09:00:00.001+11:00

Check out my complete Editing Credits at: http://ping.fm/5CRAP

Need I Say More?

2009-01-23T17:38:00.002+11:00

2009-01-11T10:34:00.001+11:00

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgh!! Just wrote a whole blog article, hit the wrong button and erased it. AAAAAAAAARGH!

The Friends That Only...

2009-01-08T10:49:00.003+11:00

It's nice when friends call out of the blue and want to catch up for a coffee. I'm always open to that.

This morning a friend I don't see very often called and asked if I'd be home some time today for a cuppa. I said, "Of course. I'd be delighted."

Now, all I can think about is, "what does she really want?"

That's awful. I know. But...

There are some people who are like that. They only contact you when there's something in it for them.

So what do I do about it? I like this friend. We used to hang out together all the time. We shared our thoughts, hopes, dreams... all that. Now, I see her very rarely, and most of the time it's when her computer is down and she needs to check her emails, send a fax, or needs a favour.

Don't get me wrong. I'll always drop everything for a friend in genuine need. However, I don't like being taken advantage of.

I find it sad that some people consider it okay to use friends in this manner. I don't use people. I go out of my way to avoid it, in fact. If I want a favour, I ask. I'll always find a way to show my appreciation and gratitude - in the form a small gift, card, cuppa up the street, something. I prefer to think that most people are like that. I don't ask for favours very often. I tend to struggle through on my own. One of my many failings, I'm afraid.

I'm also not opposed to friends ringing me and asking me for favours. What I don't like is friends ringing me to "catch up for a cuppa" then, when the niceties are over, hit me with, "oh, while I'm here...," "can I just...". Hmmm. Wears a bit thin after a while. I'd rather people be up front from the beginning and come right out and say, "I'm ringing to see if I can ask you a favour."

[Insert sigh here]

Oh well. I guess I'll find out what she wants after she has partaken of my hospitality.

Sad when it gets to this, isn't it.

I still like this friend, and I still enjoy catching up with her, even though it's usually to her benefit. It all comes down to accepting people for who they are, really. This how this friend is. If I want to associate with her, I have to realise this and accept it.

I deal with it by either not being available for a cuppa unless it's up the street somewhere, or I invite her out with full knowledge that there will be a catch.

I wonder what it will be today?

Cheers

Brittany K.

2009-01-05T22:15:00.001+11:00

My son and his friend bought inflatable boats today. We put them in the Ovens River upstream from our place this evening & floated back downstream to home. It was a 3 hour trip. The river's low and we had to get out and pull the boats over the sand a few times, but it was very pleasant.

2009-01-05T07:17:00.001+11:00

The "Silly Season" is officially over for us.

It's Monday morning and everyone is off to work again - those who actually had time off. The rest of us merely had our daily lives turned upside down for a few weeks.

So it's back to my usual routine today:- Curves this morning, housework, then writing & editing. In the afternoon: gardening, maybe a swim if it's hot.

Well, that's "Plan A". Quite typically I get to about "Plan D" by the end of the day when things don't go quite as expected, but then, that's life.

On the writing front, things have been good, all distractions considered. I've gotten back into the final edits for "The Shadow Runners". I'm about half way through now, so I'm looking forward to having the whole novel publisher-ready in a few weeks.

Then comes the real work:- finding out who's taking science fiction this time of the year, who's interested in having a look at my science fiction... and onto the merry-go-round I go.

Oh how often have I wished I could just click my fingers and make all my dreams come true...

Unfortunately, magic doesn't just happen in this world. We have to get out there in the dirt and make it happen.

I kind of like the idea of being able to wave the magic wand, though. Don't you?

Well, here's to a brand new year of writing, editing, art, music and all things bright and cheery. Here's to all the challenges that will come this year. May we all have the strength to get through them and learn valuable lessons to help us grow.

That's enough deep and meaningful for now. I'm off to the shower to get my daily dose of negative ions, then to Curves for my daily dose of self-inflicted exercise torture, then back here for my daily dose of housework torture, then...

I guess you're getting the picture. Let's see how much of my day actually goes to plan.

Cheers for now

Brittany K.

2009-01-01T07:47:00.001+11:00

My New Year Competition has come to an end. Now... to deliberate on the winning answer.... hmmm.

2008-12-31T13:41:00.001+11:00

Caught up with a friend before lunch. Now going to catch up with another. I'm having a very social day. Then I must brave the crowds to do my shopping. It's absolutely manic out there. I'm not sure why. The shops are only closed for one day. Maybe everyone is doing their last minute grocery dash to stock up for their parties tonight and tomorrow. Ah, who knows? I only want my regular food items. I'll let you know how that goes. Wish me luck!

2008-12-30T17:24:00.001+11:00

Saw "The Day the Earth Stood Still". Not bad. Passable adaptation of the story. Enjoyable film. Not mind-blowing. 3 1/2 stars out of 5. :)

2008-12-14T15:34:00.002+11:00

Manic Updates & Electronic Reshuffling

I've just spent all day online doing some updating on my web pages, blogs, forums, groups, etc. I didn't think it would take so long. Whew! Nearly all done.

I've updated my old SHIVA site. Take a look at my MSN live space.
http://ping.fm/R25NJ

Also I have a new Forum. And a blog. Yes, another blog! I think that makes four. The Runboard Forum came with a blog, which was a nice surprise. Very cool. I haven't really blogged there yet. I only posted a note to say I promise to blog real soon. And I will. Honest. Take a look at my Runboard site.
http://ping.fm/F5x8t
http://ping.fm/fCUeQ

Right now, I'm off to have a cuppa. Then I have to get ready to be all official at the Beechworth Threatre Company's last meeting for the year.

Catch you all soon.

Brittany K.

Competition - Brittany Kingston

2008-12-14T08:13:00.000+11:00

New Year

Competition

This year, read yourself into a New Year with

some creepy poetry and two vampire short stories

by... well... me!

For a chance to win this special pack that includes:

"Where the Night Things Are",

"Sword of Anubis"

and "Shadow on the Crystal",

all you have to do is write the most imaginative responses.

Read the excerpt from the Shadow Runners below and add your versions of Jaxxlar's responses in the spaces indicated.

Go on, try it. It'll be fun.

Dorrraan’s smile sharpened into a snarl. He turned the ornately carved gold ring on his right middle claw until the amber stone flashed the same gold fire as his eyes. “I will be watching.” He stared at the aliens, memorizing their strange features. “You will stay at The Guardhouse tonight. You are expected, and your accommodation has been paid for. Report to Goornagh by tomorrow’s first light.” He turned and walked around the statue, disappearing into the garden just as his assistants had earlier.

Jaxxlar and Ranger didn’t speak out loud until they were beyond the temple grounds. It felt as though Beta-Dorrraan’s guards watched them from every shadow.

“This is a suicide mission,” Ranger commented when they’d put enough distance between themselves and Dorrraan’s spies.

Jaxxlar huffed in disgust. “What choice do we have? Thanks to your little escapade on Ghee, we don’t have enough credits between us to buy an hour with a whore.”

Ranger stopped and stared at his partner. “I wasn’t the one who got us deported.”

“I didn’t start that fight.” Jaxxlar glared at him.

“Really.” Ranger folded his arms across his chest. “Then I suppose you accidentally jumped on that murrahm’s tail.”

“Well,” Jaxxlar gestured expansively. “It just happened to be right under where I wanted to walk.”

“Of course. And you couldn’t possibly have stepped over it, could you?”

“That murrahm plonked his tail down right under my foot on purpose.”

Ranger shook his head and walked on. “And that was when you were wearing your restrictor!”

Jaxxlar caught up and kept pace with him. “YOUR RESPONSE GOES HERE”

“That sure does fill me with confidence. Especially since you nearly jumped on a murrahm two minutes after we got here.”

“I did not.”

“You would have if I hadn’t pulled you back.”

“He was arrogant,” Jaxxlar huffed.

“They’re all arrogant. They’re murrahm.”

“YOUR RESPONSE GOES HERE”

“How very reassuring. Those were your exact words before you started the fight that landed us here.”

“I didn’t start that fight!”

Competition runs until December 31, 2008

Hey, what are you waiting for? You have the whole rest of the year to enter

Send your answer to me at:

brittanykingstonauthor@gmail.com

Good luck!

Yours in love and light

Brittany Kingston

2008-12-12T09:01:00.001+11:00

Check out my updated profile on MySpace:
http://ping.fm/U44ZL

The Art of Losing Files Successfully

2008-12-11T16:05:00.001+11:00

Ooooooooh I soooooo hate it when I do that. Grrrrrr!

I've lost a file. Well, not "lost" it completely. I copied if from my desktop computer to the laptop. Now I can't remember which folder I put it in. Even worse, I can't remember what I called the file so I can search for it. This is so annoying.

Yes, I will go to the other computer and copy the file again. While I'm there I'll work on it. And that defeats the purpose of having a laptop.

The accountant is using my computer to update MYOB for me so I have all the correct codes, etc. for the coming year, so I've been kicked out of my office for a while.

Not to worry, I thought. I'll just continue my work from out here. That's exactly why I spent all that money on a nice new DELL notebook.

That's also exactly why I'm so annoyed at not being able to remember where I put that file.

By the time I find it, I'll have run out of time.

I can't do anything about it now. I'll just have to move on to something else, like... feed the fish...

Cheers

Brittany K.

2008-12-10T10:47:00.001+11:00

All things domestic going on here today. Got visitors coming tonight so want the place to look its best.

Disasters Come In Threes

2008-12-07T09:13:00.003+11:00

Disasters Come In Threes

How often have I heard that? A million times at least.

Well, this week it’s true. I’ve had three disasters.

Disaster No. 1: I turned the tap timer the wrong way and instead of turning the water off after an hour, it went all night almost flooding all my new vegetable seedlings out.

Disaster No. 2: I was told of the death of an old school friend of mine. This makes me very sad. Even sadder because we’d lost touch with each other. I thought she lived in another town and I didn’t even know her married name. Turned out that she lived right here. That makes me sad because I missed the opportunity to catch up with her. And, yes, I am more than a little annoyed that the friend who told me she’d died knew exactly where she lived, used to visit her often, and knew I was wondering where and how she was all these years. I can’t understand why she never let on. Even crueler now that I can’t do anything about it.

Disaster No. 3: I discovered that our freezer had been turned off some time ago and all the contents had gone rotten. I guess I’m lucky it wasn’t full to the brim with meat. Still, I lost all the frozen vegies I’d preserved, all the frozen meals I’d prepared, and, most irksome of all, our two Christmas turkeys. This is annoying because I can’t afford to go out and replace all that food. I’ll have to replace the turkeys. We need those. The frozen meals, sauces, vegies, etc. will have to be replaced one by one as I make, or preserve, them. Today I have to take a bin full of rotten meat to the tip. Ugh! I’m really looking forward to that experience! I’m sure I’ll be chased down the road by a huge black cloud of blowflies.

Over all, it hasn’t been a good week for me. I’ve been in trouble, yelled at, belittled, made fun of, told how stupid I am… I guess you get the picture. I feel really bad about all three disasters and there isn’t a thing I can do about any of them to make it all “unhappen”.

How did I react to these so-called disasters? How did it all unfold for me on a personal level?

It’s all written right there for the world to see: “I turned”, “I was told”, “I discovered”, “I wondered”, “I can’t afford”, “I was blamed”, “I was sad”, “I was in trouble”.

Yes, the dreaded wounded, wailing “I”, surfaced. Yes, it’s the “victim me” I was talking about in my last blog entry: Will The Real Me Stand Up? I’ve taken it upon myself to accept all responsibility; accept all blame. I’ve personalised and internalised. Now I must punish myself for my bad deeds.

Once again, I’m transported back to my childhood. Mum is standing over me, large and threatening, her face twisted, her voice loud enough to hurt my ears. I cower, I crumble, I feel small, guilty, terrified, sorry, devastated, and helpless.

I’ve had a life time of conditioning that’s hard to break. I’ve been conditioned to think that if something goes wrong I’ve been bad, or stupid, and now I must be punished until everyone around me feels vindicated and I am ground into the dust.

Well…

Stop it!

Just stop it.

The truth is, accidents happen. People die. That’s life.

Yes, I turned the tap timer the wrong way. It’s an easy mistake. Do I have to suffer eternally for my sin? What was the real outcome of that? The seedlings loved the extra drink of water and are all standing up looking great. Yes, I wasted a lot of water that we really can’t afford, but the world didn’t stop turning and we all didn’t fall off.

I’m not sure about how the freezer happened to be turned off at the power point. Did I do it? I can’t see why I would, but I could have. Anyone could have turned if off for any number of reasons then forgot to turn it back on. Everyone keeps telling me I was the one who did it, so I suppose I’ll just have to accept that. The outcome? We lost some food that we can’t afford to replace right now. However, we were lucky not to have lost an entire freezer full of expensive meat. I was in the process of letting it become empty so I could defrost it and give it a good clean. Well, it’s certainly defrosted now! And it’s outside airing having been sprayed thoroughly with disinfectant to get rid of the smell. It will certainly be crystal clean by the time we wheel it back inside.

Everyone blaming me is hard to take. It was a genuine accident – like the tap timer incident. It happened. Did the world stop spinning? Not that I’ve noticed – but then again, I didn’t notice the power point was in the off position.

I have no power over what other people think, say or do. I can only control how I react. People are being very nasty to me over this. I dare say, I won’t hear the end of it for quite a while. Don’t you love how people do that? How should I react? It hurts. Why does it hurt? Because I made a mistake and I can’t fix it. I want to fix it, but what’s done is done. I have to move on. I have to not let what others say grind me down into the dirt. I have to take my power back. Okay, a mistake was made. Yes, it was probably mine. And…? Get over it. Let’s not allow this to become a bigger issue than it really is. It is not of worldly importance. It’s not even a blip on the radar of my life.

The death of my friend is hard. I feel a lot sadder than I expected. Sad for a lot of reasons, and not just because I’ve lost all possibility of getting together with her to reminisce about old times.

How I feel about the loss is natural. It’s sorrow. I’ll cry a little because we drifted apart. I’ll cry a little because I won’t see her again in this life time. I’ll cry, then I’ll smile, then I’ll allow myself to laugh over all the silly, funny, things we used to do as teenagers. I’ll remember her and smile from that moment on.

That’s grief. It’s natural. It’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m not going to wail and wallow in self-pity over this. I’m simply allowing myself to feel the full emotion of it all. I’m allowing myself to be sad, and then to heal slowly. We should never be afraid to allow ourselves to love, to lose, to grieve, to heal.

How do I feel about the “friend” who prevented me from having a lasting adult friendship with my other friend? The talking marks around the word “friend” say it all. No, I’m not wasting time on anger and bitterness. I’m relegating a negative influence into the “casual acquaintance” bin.

Yes, I did feel anger when I discovered that I was deliberately not told the whereabouts of my friend. I’m entitled to feel that. Anger is natural. I was hurt too. It hurt to think someone would prevent us from getting together for whatever reason. Her reason. Not mine. That’s not my journey. I walk a different path. I acknowledged the anger and hurt. I understood where they came from and why. They served their purpose in alerting me to an injustice, and now they’re gone. Injustice has also faded. If you come up against a minor injustice that does no more than give you a brief sting, feel it, acknowledge it, recognise it for what it is and where it sprang from, then let it fade away.

The sun is shining outside today. It’s one of those perfect, cloudless, days you read about in books.

I’m going to go outside with a cup of tea [that old gypsy remedy for everything] and let the sun dry my tears. Then I’ll get to work weeding my garden, cleaning the freezer, and then I’ll go join some friends of mine for a pre-Christmas get-together.

So… here’s to you, Mardi, my old friend. I remember you with love and laughter. You’ll be forever young in my mind.

Cheers

Brittany K.

Will the Real Me Stand Up?

2008-11-30T07:16:00.005+11:00

Will the Real Me Stand Up?

I just read Maia Berens blog titled "A Part of Me" http://allaboutlifecoaching.com.

It's true, you know. We are all many selves. In fact, I'd be suspicious of someone who claims they aren't.

Which part of this chameleon personality is the real me? The artist? The Gypsy? The musician? The writer? The me who mopes around the house begrudgingly doing all the dirty work? The me who meets friends up the street for a coffee and laughs for no reason at all?

They're all me. Even the "bad" bits. The judgemental me is a bit hard to take. I try to sit on that one when it appears. Angry me hardly ever surfaces, but the resentful one can sneak up on the rest of me if I don't watch it. And, while we're at it, the childish me is always a small step away from pouting when things don't go my way. By far the hardest me to take is the weak me—the one who is taken for granted, stepped on, made to feel inadequate, and allows all this to happen time after time. That me is the victim.

So which me do I like the best?

I guess I've learned to like them all. They all have their uses, their reasons for being. They all play their parts in my personality. They're all familiar to me, all well used and comfortable. I slip from one to another all day long, depending who I'm talking to at any given moment.

There are mes I once thought I could banish. That was way back in my teens when I was struggling to find me. My reasoning was that if I completely banished hate, bitterness, resentment, weakness—especially weakness—then I'd be a better person.

The truth is, I couldn't, nor should I even try, to banish any parts of my personality. I've learned who my different parts are, what they represent, when, how and why they surface. And, I've learned to respect them all. They've all played their parts in my survival over the difficult years of my childhood and teen years. They all keep me balanced as an adult.

It is true that there are some aspects of my personality that could do with a little improvement, but they're [hopefully] balanced by their opposites. Recognising the many mes was the first step to learning how to deal with them whenever they pop up.

Love and understanding binds all the different mes together now. I know me. I understand how I work, why I feel the way I do when certain things happen or are said. I recognise each me as it surfaces and I know how to deal with it.

I no longer feel ashamed and berate myself if the resentful or angry me makes an appearance. That's ok. They need to be heard occasionally. I give myself permission to feel. I don't give myself permission to be consumed by any one emotion, nor to be ruled by one. I understand myself better than anyone else, and I know I have the power to choose my own reactions.

Most of the time, I choose to walk in light and love. I choose to let peace and happiness into my heart. At no time do I block out all the negative emotions. They have their roles to play. I simply choose which path to walk.

Walk in love and light.

Cheers

Brittany K.

All Things Un-Writing

2008-11-27T07:34:00.001+11:00

Not that I'm procrastinating or anything...

I just can't seem to get any significant writing done this month. My usual monthly word count is right up there, but ever since I signed on for NaNoWriMo, I've had no end of distractions and minor, unimportant, annoyances to keep me away from the computer.

All November I've managed to blog, plurk, twitter and email as usual, but the moment I sit down with a spare half day to get some real writing work done.... [insert sigh here]

What is it about November that makes it unsuitable for writing? Is it too close to Christmas? Maybe the "silly season" has started early this year. I've already noticed a manic pace around the streets.

Whatever the cause, it has started to intrude upon my quiet writing space.

I still haven't given up on NaNoWriMo. I won't make my 50,000 word count, but I'm going down fighting. Even with the distractions, I've written more than 20,000 words. That's not bad considering how little time I've had.

So, if you're out there somewhere struggling with your writing and feeling like you're not getting anywhere, you're not alone. I'm struggling away here too.

It's a writer thing, I think. We just never give up. Even if it's only a paragraph a day, we keep on writing.

Smile, fellow writers, it's only November. It too will pass.

Cheers

Brittany K.

NaNoWriting Done This Month

2008-11-24T10:09:00.002+11:00

November No Writing Month

November 1 was our wedding anniversary and both Geoff and I forgot. We remembered later in the day, but with work and other commitments, it almost slipped by us without as much as a peep.

That set the tone for the rest of this month.

I was enthusiastic about signing on for NaNoWriMo for the first time. I was ready. Mark of the Condemned needed to be written and I needed to finish the final edits on The Shadow Runners. Perfect. NaNoWriMo was going to be the launching pad to energize the rest of my writing year.

And then... the garden needed to be totally cleared of weeds and scrub because snake season arrived. We have many nasty little [and not so little] serpents living in our space. Or, more accurately, we live in their space. The war of the weeds is a constant battle here. Snakes can hide right under your feet. They're masters of disguise. Not only that, but fire season is approaching and the less fuel there is to burn, the better off we'll be.

...and then... our vegetables had to be planted. The cost of living has risen here, as it has everywhere else in the world. Also, you can never be quite sure exactly what is on the food you buy. If you grow it yourself, at least you know there are no strange things added to or sprayed on it.

...and then... there's always the constant flow of visitors, friends and family who come and go. I have often threatened to replace our main entrance with a revolving door.

...and then... I had artistic commitments. There were paintings to paint, prepare and exhibit. That was huge fun, but loads of work and very time consuming.

...and then... came the usual unexpected events, illnesses, deaths, funerals, weddings, meetings and emergency journeys that go along with being in a family.

...and, well, I guess you're getting the picture. Life got in the way of writing.

November has been a disaster for my writing. All my best intentions have flown out of the window. You can bet that the moment I sit on that office chair, someone will come in, the phone will ring, something will happen, housework demands to be done, bills scream out to be paid, and off I go again.

Even with all the above, I have managed a few pages of quality writing. Nowhere near enough—nowhere near my usual monthly total—but I continue to struggle on.

The most frustrating of all, I think, is when I do have the time and opportunity to spend a day writing, and I'm either too tired or I'm totally not in the mood.

Yesterday I had the whole place to myself. In the morning I made sure I did all the boring domestic chores and cleared a pathway to the office. After lunch I sat down ready to add a few thousand words to my monthly total—and bored myself nearly to sleep. A friend rang and suggested we go to a movie. I can't resist a good movie, so there went the rest of the afternoon.

As disciplined as I've been throughout the year, November has been one of those months where I've broken all the rules.

Am I worried about not keeping my word count up? Not really. It's disappointing that I didn't rise to the NaNoWriMo challenge as I intended, but I know I can write a 100,000 word novel in eight months if I really want to, or if there's a deadline at stake. One month off in a year doesn't mean that I won't be enthusiastically writing right up to Christmas and beyond. It means that, for this month, things didn't go as planned. I also know that I'll be back on track next month.

It's all about the rhythm of writing; about being disciplined enough to set time aside to dedicate to your craft.

The danger for me is that if I have one slack month, I'll be tempted to slip into old habits. That's when my novels don't progress and I find a million excuses for not getting any writing work done.

Kick that procrastination habit. It sabotages all your good work. Instead, kick yourself into gear. Pretend writing is part of your job, if that helps you to focus. Stick a task list on your fridge or computer, or wherever you won't be able to avoid looking at it. Make at least two hours in your day available for writing. Start with one or two. You can always extend that when you find your own rhythm. Write it up there. Get it set in your mind that between the hours of, say one and three, you'll be writing or editing your writing.

Before long, you'll realise that it becomes a habit. You'll start to look forward to your daily writing time. Your imagination will switch on and you'll be ready when the clock strikes the magic hour. When that happens, even though you might have days, or months, when things don't go as planned, you'll easily slip back into your writing rhythm when everything settles down.

Remember, don't be too hard on yourself if you don't happen to reach your monthly goal. The world is not going to stop spinning and we're not all going to fall off because you have two words, or two thousand words, less than you intended.

Be kind to yourself and have some fun. "Writing Discipline" doesn't mean drudgery. It simply means getting into the habit of writing.

I'm already planning to set myself a goal for December. Even if I don't reach it, I'll be here, slaving away over a hot keyboard, trying as hard as I can to string a few extra sentences together before I have to go and put that load of washing on. Speaking of which...

Cheers

Brittany K.

New Technology

2008-11-22T11:06:00.001+11:00

I've never been one to shrink from the possibility of using a bit of new technology. I think most writers are like that. We have enquiring minds.

While removing an unwanted program from my laptop computer, I discovered something called "Windows Live Writer".

Call me old. Call me dumb. Call me blond. Whatever! But I didn't know this existed. So I activated it, entered all the info it asked for, and now... here I am, blogging away without actually going to my blog. Great stuff.

I was excited to find Ping so I could Plurk and Twitter at the same time. "Ya gotta luv that!"

I used to blog directly from Word, but I'm not sure that the new version does that, or that it's available in Vista. I'll have to check that out.

As most people know, I'm a shocker for blogging when I should be writing, and the opportunity to blog right from my word processor is irresistible.

Live Writer will compensate me for that loss. I do so love a new gadget.

I may be getting older, but I'm no technophobe. I can only imagine that, eventually, when they're dragging me away to live in the nursing home, I'll be screaming: "Not without my computer! I must blog regularly every day...!"

Yes, I'll be blogging until the day I die.

Cheers

Brittany K.

Sword of Anubis Review

2008-11-22T06:59:00.004+11:00

Sword of Anubis Review at Coffee Time Romance

http://www.coffeetimeromance.com/BookReviews/Swordofanubis.html

SWORD OF ANUBIS
BRITTANY KINGSTON
ISBN # 978-1-897559-38-3
September 2008
Eternal Press
http://www.eternalpress.ca
E-Book
$1.80
22 Pages
Paranormal Romance
Rating: 3 Cups

India’s parents were murdered by Nicolai Kesslanski. She now lives with her grandfather and helps him run his Parisian shop.

Morgan’s father was also murdered by Kesslanski and he has been tracking him to exact justice. His search has led him to Paris, and India.

Nicolai Kesslanski is nearly unstoppable. Only the legendary Sword of Anubis and an ancient Egyptian book of the dead can destroy him. A murderous act brings those two items and their guardians together, but Nicolai may yet evade his fate.

The setting is appropriately chaotic; Paris just before the revolution. The story could use a bit more depth; it is a little thin on plot. I never learned exactly what Nicolai was, but Morgan’s pursuit of him was full of suspense and excitement. The author captured the spirit of the chase. The characters were sympathetic and resourceful. The ending is a bit disconcerting, especially after the visit of the god Anubis.

Maura
Reviewer for Coffee Time Romance

This is a great review. I'm really excited to see my work up there at Coffee Time Romance. However, I don't agree wholeheartedly with everything said above. It's always good to have quality feedback on your work. The reviewers at Coffee Time Romance do a wonderful job. They must read sooooo many stories! I can't imagine how many they'd go through in a single week. It's a staggering thought.

When you put your work out there in public, you have to remember that not everyone will see your stories as you do, and every reader will see them in a different way.

Sword of Anubis was written as a very simple short story with a single-layer plot - that is to say, it has no subplot. I also intended to leave a little to the imagination of the reader. I don't believe that absolutely everything needs to be explained or described in vivid detail. Plant the seed, create the mood, hint at what's behind the door, then let the readers' imagination take them wherever they want to go.

The one glaring fact that the reviewer did miss is that Nicolai Kesslanski is a vampire. The reference to this is mentioned no less than seven times throughout the story. Looking back with 20-20 vision hindsight, I consider that to be a mistake. It should be obvious to the reader what Nicolai is, or it doesn't really matter. Again, a reader can imagine him to be whatever they want him to be. Hitting the reader over the head with the word "vampire" seven times in 19 pages is overkill, in my opinion. How come I didn't pick up on that? I should never have let the story get to the publishing stage without seeing it. But then... who's perfect?

I enjoyed writing Sword of Anubis, and it remains one of my favourite short stories. If you're interested in getting your hands on a copy, surf on over to Eternal Press and grab one.

Cheers

Brittany Kingston

2008-11-21T06:54:00.001+11:00

Just signed up for Ping.fm so I can Plurk, Twitter & Blog at the same time. Cool.

All Things Domestic

2008-11-06T17:59:00.003+11:00

OK now, that's five loads of washing done. Beds used on the weekend have all been stripped and the sheets washed. All the other domestic stuff has been done. I've hired a scary movie for tonight. Now... to write...

Great...! I'm no longer in the mood.

Don't you just hate that!!!!

I took up the challenge for November to create a novel in a month and ever since I signed up... not a jot have I written - except for Plurks, Twitters and Blogs.

I haven't got writer's block. I'm just finding that I have so little time to sit here and get the work done.

It's so frustrating that ordinary, boring, domestic life gets in the way of creativity. Oh if only I had a maid...!

Catch you later.

Brittany K.

New Old Clock

2008-11-06T10:26:00.003+11:00

Our new old clock.

I picked this up yesterday after being fully restored. It's working well and chiming away the hours and half hours just as it did when new.

Circa 1900 Sessions Mantle Clock.

This once belonged to my husband's grandparents. It was probably a wedding present, but my father-in-law never remembers it ever working in his lifetime. It sat silently on the shelf for more than 80 years.

Years ago, when I was visiting the in-laws, I took the clock down and gave it a good clean out. It started to tick and continued. However, when we left, the clock stopped and didn't go again. When we came back next time, I wound the clock up and off it went. Again, when we left it stopped. This happened several times, much to everyone's amusement.

My father-in-law has recently moved into a nursing home and is in the process of selling off everything and getting the house ready for sale. He gave me this clock because it simply wouldn't work for anyone else.

I opened the back and found wasp nests, dust, grime, etc. inside. I gave it a bit of a clean and off it went again. I thought it would stop, but it didn't.

With that in mind, I took it up to one of our local jewelers who specialises in antique clock restorations. As you can see, $400 later, the clock looks and works like new.

Now in our house every hour there's a chorus of chimes and bongs. Every half hour there's one chime, one bong and one ding.

My problem is, I can never remember which clock is the 14 day one, which is the 8 day one and now, the 10 day one. To save having them all running down, I'll just wind them all up once a week. Problem solved.

Cheers

Brittany K.

Photo Disaster

2008-10-30T15:23:00.002+11:00

Have you ever had something in mind that you thought would be really lovely... and then watched it all fall apart?

That's what happened this morning.

I was given a gift certificate for a professional photo shoot for my birthday back in August. I'm not very photogenic, but I thought I might end up with a nice pic of me to use on the backs of books, for profiles, etc.

My idea was to get a photo of me with my three dogs:- Mickey on my knee and Tiger and Nigg either side of me, sitting on our back steps. Good idea. Casual and natural.

Did it turn out that way?

No way! Of course it bloody didn't!

Mickey wouldn't stop growling at Tiger, who decided Mickey was breakfast-sized. Dixi the cat planted herself on the top step and growled at the dogs until they went bananas. Tiger and Nigg wouldn't settle or stop barking. They wouldn't listen to me and raced around like lunatics. [My early morning walk to settle them down obviously made no difference.]

I had to put Dixi inside and lock Mickey inside as well. He protested throughout the whole photo shoot - very loudly and incessantly.

By the time I settled the other two maniacs down, I looked all frazzled and rumpled. I'd taken so much time getting my 4' long hair to look nice and wavy, and put nice make-up on. Well... my hair went flat, my make-up ended up in places I didn't think make-up could go, and I'll be lucky if I don't end up looking like a Piccasso.

Just great!

The glimpse I saw on the photographer's camera wasn't too promising. Nice photo of the dogs, but I looked like a fat, rumbled frump with my hair all over the place and a red face with panda eyes.

Now I'm dreading going up there tomorrow to have a look at the finished product. One can only imagine that the poor photographer is going to be in therapy for the next month to clear those images out of his mind.

How am I going to explain to the guy that the only reason I'd buy any of his photos would be so no-one else can get their hands on them and use them as blackmail material?

I've seen some really beautiful portraits of people with their animals. Why couldn't it have worked for me? Just once!

And to make matters worse... while I'm bitching about all this, all I can hear is that annoying little voice inside my head saying: "So, what did you learn from all this?"

This is what I learnt:

Animals definitely never behave when you need them to - even when they are really well trained. Note:- They've been exceptionally well behaved since the photographer left. Grrrrrr!

When you plan something special and there's no room or time for things to go wrong - that's when everything will go wrong.

[Insert sigh here]

What else?

If you start out in life as an "ugly duckling" you'd better develop a good sense of humour! You sure are going to need it. Especially when you have to look at photos of yourself in all your manic glory.

When I looked on his digital camera, instead of seeing the beautiful swan I imagined myself to be, there smiling back at me was a fat old duck perched on a step like a stale bit of crumpet between two manically grinning dogs. Yikes! Do I really look like that?

Ugh!

I really don't know what I'm going to say to this guy tomorrow.

One thing I do know - he'd better destroy all the evidence!

Cheers

Brittany K.

Halloween Competition

2008-10-26T09:35:00.003+11:00

This year, celebrate Halloween with some creepy poetry and two vampire short stories by... well... me!

For a chance to win a Halloween pack that includes: "Where the Night Things Are", "Sword of Anubis" and "Shadow on the Crystal", be the first to guess the answer to this question:

What did Belladonna do that amused Hemlock and Nightshade?

Go on, have a guess. Send your answer to me at: brittanykingstonauthor@gmail.com

Good luck.

Brittany

2008-10-25T14:21:00.003+11:00

Fancy a spot of gardening?

Weeds are not the only things I have to watch out for.

This juvenile red belly black snake was having a good look around. He/she is a mere 2 meters long and then some. You should see its parents!

Cheers!

The Silence of Now

2008-10-18T09:05:00.003+11:00

I was at a funeral in Bendigo yesterday. Aunty Nell Caelli died a few days ago and was burried at White Hills Cemetary.

It was a lovely service in the small church that Aunty Nell loved so much. She was such a wonderful part of many people's lives for so many years. I know it's a cliche, but she will be missed.

During the service, I took a moment to step into what I call "the silence of now". That's what refer to as the real heart of myself.

There's a stillness there in the centre of your being that brings great peace and light. It's a place where you can allow the emotions to come and go; a place where memories are clear and bright. This is where you can access your inner knowledge, your memories, your connection to all that is.

While I sat there, partly listening to people telling us the many ways Aunty Nell made an impact upon their lives, I reviewed my own special times with her. Frozen in time forever are little snapshots of hot cups of tea, homemade scones, cakes, slices, jams, smiles and laughter.

Memories are great things! They don't always have to hurt, you know. We have the power to remove the sorrow, the pain, the negative baggage we humans so love to drag around with us.

So, I removed the sorrow and left happy, loving memories for me to look back on and smile along with.

I found myself smiling during the service. Maybe some people thought I was an idiot.

When I did shed a tear or two, it was for Uncle Noel. They'd been married for 59 years. Nell was the love of his life, and now she's gone. I felt for his pain and that awful, aching emptiness that settles into your heart at times of great loss.

I know she's waiting for him. I don't think they'll be apart for too long. What a joyous reunion that will be! Until then, like the rest of us who've loved and lost, he'll find a way to endure, a way to live on. I wish I could introduce him to the silence of now, but, like so many older more practical people, it's a concept that would be too alien for him. I'll send him loving, healing thoughts and energy instead.

At times of tragedy and sorrow we really need to find the silence of now. We need to find the quiet centre of ourselves and be at peace with our grief; to accept it, own it, embrace it, see it for what it is and love it as a part of ourselves. It's only then that we discover the joy and strength that hides within its depths.

Love and light to you all.

Brittany

Once Upon A Time...

2008-10-16T11:19:00.003+11:00

Once Upon A Time

There Was You

By Maia Berens

http://www.allaboutlifecoaching.com
http://twitter.com/lifecoachmaia

I’ve been reading, as usual, and learning, as always. And… couldn’t resist the opportunity to share what I’ve discovered – about me! Not that you asked for it, but here it is anyway.

My latest revelation came in the form of an ebook written by a very inspiring woman, Maia Berens.

Maia’s book, “Once Upon A Time There Was You”, is a wonderful journey into yourself.

It starts out by telling you a story about a little girl. This story is told as you would read it to a child.

The real kicker is, YOU ARE READING IT TO YOURSELF AS A CHILD.

I couldn’t help but connect to this story. My inner self related to this child-like tale on so many levels that I even ended up crying.

Yes, I know… I’m soppy enough at the best of times. But this got me right where I live – right in the soul.

Maia made me look at my life from the time I was born as a brand new person, full of hope, love, light and possibilities. Her story took me through my dark teenage years and into adulthood. It made me really see me as I am, and, most importantly, me as I could be.

This is more than just another self-help book to discover new ways to find yourself. This is a journey to the centre of yourself and back out again. Not only does this ebook give you the key to YOU, but it also helps you to fit it into the lock and turn it.

As many of you know, I call myself a “soul healer”, for want of a better term. I deal with people’s emotions, past lives, fears and soul-deep damage. I try to help others reconnect with themselves and the universe, to accept themselves and to love all that they are.

This is not something I’ve learned to do in just one life time. This has been a very long haul of lives and experiences. One thing I can assure you is that what I do for other people, I am also constantly doing for myself.

However, healing yourself when you don’t have any help or instructions can be an extremely long, hard road to trudge along. Believe me when I say I’m still walking that path, even though I started putting one foot in front of the other several lives ago! Maybe I’m a slow learner.

I wish someone had read Maia’s book to me as a child. It would have led me to a greater understanding much sooner, and possibly without half the scars. I would have believed in myself and my own inner light much sooner. These tools would have helped me through many dark times.

I also wish I had this book to read to my two sons when they were little. What wonderful possibilities there would be for a child who grows up with this philosophy, and with the tools Maia has blessed us with.

Within the book are, as I’ve just mentioned, tools. Tools for life – keys to open the door to yourself.

There are exercises for us to do as well. Being me, I couldn’t resist the exercises. The following are some of the lessons, or realisations, that I learned. Most were no surprise for me, as soul-searching and analysing moments of my life is something I do quite often. Some realisations were quite surprising – even for someone like me who considers themselves adept at digging the positive out of the negative.

For what it’s worth, here are some things I’ve learned from the darkness:

I thought about all the many minor things that bug me about my life at the moment and what lessons I’ve learned from those.

I have learned that I’ve been given the time to reconnect with myself, and to connect with the universe again on a deeper level.

I’ve learned patience and endurance. How to live in the here and now and cope with the practical day-to-day physical plane of existence.

Most importantly:- I’ve learned how to be me and how to stay true to myself when others can’t/won’t/don’t want to see me or accept me for who I really am.

I thought about the slightly more serious negative things about my life.

I’ve learned resilience, lateral thinking and problem solving. I’ve discovered how different situations and emotions impact upon me, my life and emotions, physically, mentally and spiritually.

I’ve learned how to deal with them, how to embrace them and own them as a part of me and my journey. I’ve learned how to live through them and with them.

Now for the major problems and really negative parts of my life.

I’ve learned that my inner self is strong.

I’ve learned that my spirit and soul cannot be destroyed by despair and cruelty.

I have learned that hate cannot destroy love.

I know that the harsher and darker the world/people are, the brighter the light that shines from within me.

I have gotten to know myself. I know I’m a work in progress, but I also know that I am worth working on.

…and so the journey continues.

Please surf on over to Maia’s web site, http://www.allaboutlifecoaching.com and check out “Once Upon A Time There Was You”. This is not an ebook you’ll read once then put aside.

Thankfully it is an ebook and not a print book. I’d probably wear the print off the pages by constantly thumbing through them!

It’s never too late to work on yourself, and think what a wonderful gift this knowledge would be for any child or teenager in your life.

Thank you, Maia, for helping to spread light in the world.

Cheers

Brittany

Art Attack

2008-09-16T09:15:00.003+10:00

All writing and gardening aside for the moment... It's ART time.

The Un4Seen Exhibition is on this coming Saturday. I can't believe the time has come around so quickly. Thursday is "hanging" day. I'm praying for a clear, sunny day. A couple of my paintings are too big to fit into my small car so I'm going to have to borrow the old farm truck to take them out to King Valley Cucina. They'll be fairly well wrapped up in blankets, etc., but rain would be a disaster. Keep your fingers crossed for a clear day.

I also can't believe how busy I've been this past couple of weeks. With the release of my latest short story, Sword of Anubis, and the promoting that goes along with it, not to mention that the end of this month is GST time again and that means accounts by the dozens have to be entered into MYOB, setting up and printing my colour catalogue for the exhibition, and the black and white version... Yep! I've been on the run. I haven't even had time to go to Curves to get my daily fix of exercises. Shame on me!

So today I'm shifting cattle, printing and binding my catalogue, visiting the chiropractor, meeting a friend to see a movie - got to slip that one in - and.... yeah... the list goes on. At least I'll have a couple of hours off to see the latest "Mummy" movie. That should be fun.

Anyway, people, it's off to the chiropractor for me now...

Catch you soon

Cheers

Brittany