Change

Change

I’ve been thinking about change lately and how I deal with it. It’s strange how “change” has become a regular part of my life.

I thought back to my childhood, to a time when I thought change was rare. I tended to believe that things would always go on the way they were. For example: each year I thought summer would last forever, that my friends would be with me forever, that we’d always live where we lived.

That didn’t happen, of course. Summer always turned to autumn, my friends moved away and we shifted to a new house on the other side of town. To a child with no control over life, any kind of change was devastating. I’d cry and grieve for months. I never wanted anything to change, and of course everything did. I couldn’t handle it at all.

I was still a bit like that as an adult. I’d cling to what was comfortable and familiar – even if it was bad. I feared change so much that I’d stay within whatever boundaries I’d set for myself. Like a man clinging to his sinking boat, I would not let go of the rail. No, I’d sit on the bottom of the ocean with the vessel that was familiar, and mourn the loss of the sunlight on the surface.

This new entity that is me, has transformed. Change flows through me and around me all the time. It has become the one constant in my life. My life is not chaotic, though. Far from it. Having embraced change, I have a new sense of inner peace. Change itself has become familiar. Dealing with it has become natural.

It’s an acceptance from within. I have learned that nothing stays the same and I have learned to embrace that fact.

Change can be a challenge, but it also brings new possibilities. All this has come from a change of perspective, a decision to look at life a different way. Instead of change being the big black monster that could take my life away, it has become the wind that stirs the imagination, the current that carries me from one learning experience to another.

Through all this I have learnt a very valuable lesson: the more things change around me, the more I am myself.

Melanoma Files

I should start a new blog: The Melanoma Files

Oh dear, I'm afraid someone flicked the silly switch on this morning. I can see the ridiculous side of everything today. I'll try to be serious...!

For the first time since this melanoma made itself known as a lump in my leg, it turned nasty on me. Last night it burned. It was a very strange feeling - a burning from within. Not a nice experience to be sure. Maybe in some way the lump sensed that I'm plotting to have it removed.

I view this cancer as being a natural part of my own body that has gotten out of control. To keep it from growing I've been surrounding it with a ball of golden, loving energy.

You might think that's a bit odd, but let's think about the words we use when we deal with illness.

We "battle" a cold. We "fight" cancer. We "endure", "go ten rounds with", "have a bout of", "bravely soldiering on"...

Getting the picture?

How often have you heard someone telling you that someone they know is "fighting cancer"? Or, having sadly lost someone to cancer they say: "He fought a hard battle right to the end."

If cancer is merely a bunch of your own cells that have grown out of proportion, then "fighting" it means you are fighting yourself. That's a "battle" that's going to turn ugly. I can't even win an argument with myself. Believe me, I've tried. If I lose, I lose; if I win, I still lose.... hmmmm. I'd rather reason with myself any day. At least there's a possibility that I might reach a solution.

My reality is that I've been living with melanomas for over 10 years.

Yes, LIVING with.

When it comes to illness, adversity and other things that frighten us, we suddenly go into battle mode. We want to strike down everything and everyone standing in our way - including ourselves. And, we've come to expect the same from others. We think they should fight. They owe it to us.

But, why don't we say: "He's living with cancer", or "He lived right up until the end"?

I'm sad that some people see that accepting my melanomas and living with them, is in some way a defeat. They think I've given up because I'm not beating my chest and grasping the sword by the hilt. [I've tried sword fighting. A medieval sword maiden I definitely am not. Not in this century, anyway.]

I'm also living with diabetes and a kidney disease [IgAN] that will cause me to be on dialysis some time in the future.

LIVING WITH

Whichever way my body chooses to function, it is still my body and I'll do whatever I can to look after it and keep it healthy. I'm LIVING with it.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to step into a newer model - one with a little less time on the clock; a firmer, fitter, more updated model. But then, running-in a new model always has its problems too.

Let's face it, I'm stuck with this body. I might as well LIVE with it. I've gotten used to it. It has its quirks, but it still goes - and there's still a few more miles in it yet.

Sorry. Silly switch is still on.

Where was I...? Oh yes LIVING!

Live each day as though it is your last.

I understand that sentiment, but... No way!

I'm living each day as though it is my first.

I'm living to plan, planning to live, intending to live right up until the end - whenever that may be.

"Them thar be fightin' words!"

No. They're living words. Words full of the exuberance of life. Words of love, power, energy, light... words to LIVE by.

Cheers!

Disasters Come In Threes

Disasters Come In Threes

How often have I heard that? A million times at least.

Well, this week it’s true. I’ve had three disasters.

Disaster No. 1: I turned the tap timer the wrong way and instead of turning the water off after an hour, it went all night almost flooding all my new vegetable seedlings out.

Disaster No. 2: I was told of the death of an old school friend of mine. This makes me very sad. Even sadder because we’d lost touch with each other. I thought she lived in another town and I didn’t even know her married name. Turned out that she lived right here. That makes me sad because I missed the opportunity to catch up with her. And, yes, I am more than a little annoyed that the friend who told me she’d died knew exactly where she lived, used to visit her often, and knew I was wondering where and how she was all these years. I can’t understand why she never let on. Even crueler now that I can’t do anything about it.

Disaster No. 3: I discovered that our freezer had been turned off some time ago and all the contents had gone rotten. I guess I’m lucky it wasn’t full to the brim with meat. Still, I lost all the frozen vegies I’d preserved, all the frozen meals I’d prepared, and, most irksome of all, our two Christmas turkeys. This is annoying because I can’t afford to go out and replace all that food. I’ll have to replace the turkeys. We need those. The frozen meals, sauces, vegies, etc. will have to be replaced one by one as I make, or preserve, them. Today I have to take a bin full of rotten meat to the tip. Ugh! I’m really looking forward to that experience! I’m sure I’ll be chased down the road by a huge black cloud of blowflies.

Over all, it hasn’t been a good week for me. I’ve been in trouble, yelled at, belittled, made fun of, told how stupid I am… I guess you get the picture. I feel really bad about all three disasters and there isn’t a thing I can do about any of them to make it all “unhappen”.

How did I react to these so-called disasters? How did it all unfold for me on a personal level?

It’s all written right there for the world to see: “I turned”, “I was told”, “I discovered”, “I wondered”, “I can’t afford”, “I was blamed”, “I was sad”, “I was in trouble”.

Yes, the dreaded wounded, wailing “I”, surfaced. Yes, it’s the “victim me” I was talking about in my last blog entry: Will The Real Me Stand Up? I’ve taken it upon myself to accept all responsibility; accept all blame. I’ve personalised and internalised. Now I must punish myself for my bad deeds.

Once again, I’m transported back to my childhood. Mum is standing over me, large and threatening, her face twisted, her voice loud enough to hurt my ears. I cower, I crumble, I feel small, guilty, terrified, sorry, devastated, and helpless.

I’ve had a life time of conditioning that’s hard to break. I’ve been conditioned to think that if something goes wrong I’ve been bad, or stupid, and now I must be punished until everyone around me feels vindicated and I am ground into the dust.

Well…

Stop it!

Just stop it.

The truth is, accidents happen. People die. That’s life.

Yes, I turned the tap timer the wrong way. It’s an easy mistake. Do I have to suffer eternally for my sin? What was the real outcome of that? The seedlings loved the extra drink of water and are all standing up looking great. Yes, I wasted a lot of water that we really can’t afford, but the world didn’t stop turning and we all didn’t fall off.

I’m not sure about how the freezer happened to be turned off at the power point. Did I do it? I can’t see why I would, but I could have. Anyone could have turned if off for any number of reasons then forgot to turn it back on. Everyone keeps telling me I was the one who did it, so I suppose I’ll just have to accept that. The outcome? We lost some food that we can’t afford to replace right now. However, we were lucky not to have lost an entire freezer full of expensive meat. I was in the process of letting it become empty so I could defrost it and give it a good clean. Well, it’s certainly defrosted now! And it’s outside airing having been sprayed thoroughly with disinfectant to get rid of the smell. It will certainly be crystal clean by the time we wheel it back inside.

Everyone blaming me is hard to take. It was a genuine accident – like the tap timer incident. It happened. Did the world stop spinning? Not that I’ve noticed – but then again, I didn’t notice the power point was in the off position.

I have no power over what other people think, say or do. I can only control how I react. People are being very nasty to me over this. I dare say, I won’t hear the end of it for quite a while. Don’t you love how people do that? How should I react? It hurts. Why does it hurt? Because I made a mistake and I can’t fix it. I want to fix it, but what’s done is done. I have to move on. I have to not let what others say grind me down into the dirt. I have to take my power back. Okay, a mistake was made. Yes, it was probably mine. And…? Get over it. Let’s not allow this to become a bigger issue than it really is. It is not of worldly importance. It’s not even a blip on the radar of my life.

The death of my friend is hard. I feel a lot sadder than I expected. Sad for a lot of reasons, and not just because I’ve lost all possibility of getting together with her to reminisce about old times.

How I feel about the loss is natural. It’s sorrow. I’ll cry a little because we drifted apart. I’ll cry a little because I won’t see her again in this life time. I’ll cry, then I’ll smile, then I’ll allow myself to laugh over all the silly, funny, things we used to do as teenagers. I’ll remember her and smile from that moment on.

That’s grief. It’s natural. It’s nothing to be afraid of. I’m not going to wail and wallow in self-pity over this. I’m simply allowing myself to feel the full emotion of it all. I’m allowing myself to be sad, and then to heal slowly. We should never be afraid to allow ourselves to love, to lose, to grieve, to heal.

How do I feel about the “friend” who prevented me from having a lasting adult friendship with my other friend? The talking marks around the word “friend” say it all. No, I’m not wasting time on anger and bitterness. I’m relegating a negative influence into the “casual acquaintance” bin.

Yes, I did feel anger when I discovered that I was deliberately not told the whereabouts of my friend. I’m entitled to feel that. Anger is natural. I was hurt too. It hurt to think someone would prevent us from getting together for whatever reason. Her reason. Not mine. That’s not my journey. I walk a different path. I acknowledged the anger and hurt. I understood where they came from and why. They served their purpose in alerting me to an injustice, and now they’re gone. Injustice has also faded. If you come up against a minor injustice that does no more than give you a brief sting, feel it, acknowledge it, recognise it for what it is and where it sprang from, then let it fade away.

The sun is shining outside today. It’s one of those perfect, cloudless, days you read about in books.

I’m going to go outside with a cup of tea [that old gypsy remedy for everything] and let the sun dry my tears. Then I’ll get to work weeding my garden, cleaning the freezer, and then I’ll go join some friends of mine for a pre-Christmas get-together.

So… here’s to you, Mardi, my old friend. I remember you with love and laughter. You’ll be forever young in my mind.

Cheers

Brittany K.

Once Upon A Time...

Once Upon A Time

There Was You

By Maia Berens

http://www.allaboutlifecoaching.com
http://twitter.com/lifecoachmaia

I’ve been reading, as usual, and learning, as always. And… couldn’t resist the opportunity to share what I’ve discovered – about me! Not that you asked for it, but here it is anyway.

My latest revelation came in the form of an ebook written by a very inspiring woman, Maia Berens.

Maia’s book, “Once Upon A Time There Was You”, is a wonderful journey into yourself.

It starts out by telling you a story about a little girl. This story is told as you would read it to a child.

The real kicker is, YOU ARE READING IT TO YOURSELF AS A CHILD.

I couldn’t help but connect to this story. My inner self related to this child-like tale on so many levels that I even ended up crying.

Yes, I know… I’m soppy enough at the best of times. But this got me right where I live – right in the soul.

Maia made me look at my life from the time I was born as a brand new person, full of hope, love, light and possibilities. Her story took me through my dark teenage years and into adulthood. It made me really see me as I am, and, most importantly, me as I could be.

This is more than just another self-help book to discover new ways to find yourself. This is a journey to the centre of yourself and back out again. Not only does this ebook give you the key to YOU, but it also helps you to fit it into the lock and turn it.

As many of you know, I call myself a “soul healer”, for want of a better term. I deal with people’s emotions, past lives, fears and soul-deep damage. I try to help others reconnect with themselves and the universe, to accept themselves and to love all that they are.

This is not something I’ve learned to do in just one life time. This has been a very long haul of lives and experiences. One thing I can assure you is that what I do for other people, I am also constantly doing for myself.

However, healing yourself when you don’t have any help or instructions can be an extremely long, hard road to trudge along. Believe me when I say I’m still walking that path, even though I started putting one foot in front of the other several lives ago! Maybe I’m a slow learner.

I wish someone had read Maia’s book to me as a child. It would have led me to a greater understanding much sooner, and possibly without half the scars. I would have believed in myself and my own inner light much sooner. These tools would have helped me through many dark times.

I also wish I had this book to read to my two sons when they were little. What wonderful possibilities there would be for a child who grows up with this philosophy, and with the tools Maia has blessed us with.

Within the book are, as I’ve just mentioned, tools. Tools for life – keys to open the door to yourself.

There are exercises for us to do as well. Being me, I couldn’t resist the exercises. The following are some of the lessons, or realisations, that I learned. Most were no surprise for me, as soul-searching and analysing moments of my life is something I do quite often. Some realisations were quite surprising – even for someone like me who considers themselves adept at digging the positive out of the negative.

For what it’s worth, here are some things I’ve learned from the darkness:

I thought about all the many minor things that bug me about my life at the moment and what lessons I’ve learned from those.

I have learned that I’ve been given the time to reconnect with myself, and to connect with the universe again on a deeper level.

I’ve learned patience and endurance. How to live in the here and now and cope with the practical day-to-day physical plane of existence.

Most importantly:- I’ve learned how to be me and how to stay true to myself when others can’t/won’t/don’t want to see me or accept me for who I really am.

I thought about the slightly more serious negative things about my life.

I’ve learned resilience, lateral thinking and problem solving. I’ve discovered how different situations and emotions impact upon me, my life and emotions, physically, mentally and spiritually.

I’ve learned how to deal with them, how to embrace them and own them as a part of me and my journey. I’ve learned how to live through them and with them.

Now for the major problems and really negative parts of my life.

I’ve learned that my inner self is strong.

I’ve learned that my spirit and soul cannot be destroyed by despair and cruelty.

I have learned that hate cannot destroy love.

I know that the harsher and darker the world/people are, the brighter the light that shines from within me.

I have gotten to know myself. I know I’m a work in progress, but I also know that I am worth working on.

…and so the journey continues.

Please surf on over to Maia’s web site, http://www.allaboutlifecoaching.com and check out “Once Upon A Time There Was You”. This is not an ebook you’ll read once then put aside.

Thankfully it is an ebook and not a print book. I’d probably wear the print off the pages by constantly thumbing through them!

It’s never too late to work on yourself, and think what a wonderful gift this knowledge would be for any child or teenager in your life.

Thank you, Maia, for helping to spread light in the world.

Cheers

Brittany